WASHINGTON REDSKINS NAME CONTROVERSY

People are clamoring for the scalp of the Washington football Redskins. They want the “Redskins” to cease being the “Redskins“ They want to change the team’s identity!



It’s because everyone thinks that “Redskins” is a derogatory racial slur referring to skin color and bigotry. But actually, “Redskins” refers to the color of paint that certain Indians located in what is now Newfoundland used to paint their bodies--it was red. It’s as simple as that!



This red color would be flashing quite boldly during wartime, giving them a spectacular aura!  Settlers called this particular Indian tribe--the Beothuk--“Red Indians” for the lavish body painting. As that noble tribe is now extinct, sports teams such as the Washington football Redskins may be seen as doing honor to the Beothuk--preserving their memory!



When that National Football League (NFL) franchise in the 1930’s, then in Boston, took the name “Redsins”, it’s likely that the impression they wanted to make was one of toughness and prowess on the field of battle. Note the prominent use over the years of a spear in the team’s logos and on their helmets--hardly pejorative!



Back in the day, it wouldn’t have made sense to call a particular tribe the “Red Indians” if all Indians were already considered “red.” It would have been redundant. In fact, all Indians weren’t as a rule referred to as “red” or “redskin” or “red anything”. That’s more recent.



In lieu of name-changing, the Redskins could be encouraged to refine their image by making the Indian’s appearance on the team logo more realistic--a lighter skin tone matching that (estimated) of the Beothuk Indians, and highlights of a bright brilliant red pigment applied as best as we can tell they did.



Proud Redskins owner Dan Snyder can say it was all one big misunderstanding. Problem solved. Game Over. Now if winning some real games was as easy!



Sources:

The Quebec History Encyclopedia

The Smithsonian Book of North American Indians

Wikipedia--Washington Redskins

ON THE SIDE OF GUN SAFETY (WHO ISN'T ??)

The people who oppose the National Rifle Association (NRA) ought to consider a name change from “Gun Control” Supporters/Advocates to something more positive, less to do with big government intruding into your 2nd amendment rights. To much of America, “Control” signifies “Regulation” which means the common man giving up his right to self-protection because of a bunch of lily-livered communistic city folk and big government. And an individual described as “controlling” is felt to have a personality disorder.




The anti-NRAers might try “Gun Safety” to describe themselves. Who wouldn’t want to be on the side of “gun safety”? Big Brother doesn’t want to take all our guns away, they just want us to handle them carefully--so the reasoning goes. The name is the thing. Look at how the term “safe sex” caught on. It’s unlikely that “rubber sex” would have had the same positive impact.

TEAM NICKNAME IDEAS

Here is a list of potential team nicknames I've come up with in my spare time. It's alphabetical--mostly cities, some states and regions. Feel free to use them in your hometown.

TEAM NICKNAMES
Aberdeen Barnstormers, Burdensome, Abracadabra
Akron Squadron, Acrobats, Acorns, Acrid
Albany Invaders, Banes
Albuquerque Altimeters, Armadillos, Turkeys
Anaheim Anacondas, Emeralds
Anchorage Anger, Aurora, Roarers, Courageous, Anchovies
Arlington Aardvarks, Accordions, Ardor, Harlequins, All-In-Ones
Asheville Phoenix, Duster Uppers
Atlanta Atlas, Ad Libbers, Antidote, Altimeters, Attitude, Elevators, Atlantians
Atlantic City High Rollers, Albatross, Atlas, Boardwalkers
Austin Power, Bats, Tin Men, Plenty

Baltimore Battalion, Bald Eagles, Tenors, Torreadors, Big Score, Baritones
Bangor Aurora Borealis, Bangers
Barre Chords, Berets
Baton Rouge Twirling Dervishes, Battering Rams
Billings Paid In Full
Biloxie Billy Clubs, Foxy
Birmingham Jackhammers, Battering Rams, Bird Baths, Porcine Dynasty
Boise Noisy, Joy Spree, Boisterous
Boston Tea Tossers, Bistros, Best Sellers, Bounty Hunters, Bosses, Bustier Busters
Boulder Tossers
Bowling Green Pin Strikers
Buffalo Blizzard, Big Herd, Baffling Barristers, Beefcake
Burlington Burly Bears, Burlesque
Butte Beautes, Brutes, Beauties, Buglers

California Caliente, Caldron
Calgary Kaleidoscope
Charleston Charleston, Tango
Charlotte Web, Charlatans, Charaders
Charlottesville Charlatans, Chanteuses
Chattanooga Choo Choos, Chatterboxes
Cheyenne Extroverts
Chicago Supercolliders, Chivalry, Chickadees, Chic, Go Getters
Cincinnati Synapses, Invincible, Slammers, Sine qua Nons, Sensationals
Cleveland Cliffhangers, Cloudbursts, Class Acts, Cliff Climbers, Leapers, Ringleaders
Columbus Landlubbers
Compton Copters
Concord Conquerors, Convoy, Conifers, Accordions,
Corpus Christi Cormorants

Dakota Decoders, Nova, Code Breakers
Dartmouth Bullseye
Dallas Malice, Dahlias, Vortex, Delight, Dazzlers, Dalmations
DC Go Go, Shredders, Policy, Diplomacy, Statesmen, Agenda, Nexus
DelMarVa Avocets, Dalmations, Marvels, Marvelous
Denver Moguls, Adrenaline, Dynamic
Des Plains Boss De Plane
Detroit Rhythm, Destroyers
Dover Dovetailers, Rovers, Plovers
Dumfries Dunbfounders
Dubuque Debutantes, Ubiquitous
Duluth Truth

Edmonton Edge, Eddy, Eddies
El Paso Elegance, Elvises, Pastels
Eugene Genies

Fairbanks Tellers, Snowbanks
Fargo Farmers, Detectives
Florence Nightingales, Florals
Fort Worth Mirth, Fortuitous, Forte, Enforcers
Fort Wayne Johns, Fortuitous, Forte
Freehold Freedom Fighters, Stranglehold
Fresno Frenzy, Frescoes

Garfield Gargoyle
Georgia Gorgeous, Gorgers, Peachy Keens, Gargoyles
Gothem Golem
Green Bay Grief Strickeners, Green Rays
Greenwich Mean Streak

Halifax Machines
Harlem Harbingers, Harlequins, Jazz
Hartford Hard Liners, Heart Breakers, HeartThrob
Haverford Havoc Wreakers
Helena Hook & Ladder
Harpers Ferry Harpsichords
Honolulu Bon Bons, Lunatics, Holiday, Hullaballoos, Honey Bees, Hip Huggers
Houston Who's Who

Indianapolis Invaders, Indubitable, Bonaparte Sleepwalkers
Iowa Primary, Eye Openers, Corn Stalkers

Jackson Five, Action
Jacksonville Jackpots, Jackhammers, Jackrabbits, Jack-Booted Thugs
Jersey Egress, Egrets,

Kansas City Twisters, Can Cans, Sassies
KC Oz
Kearn(e)y Carnival, Carnations

Las Vegas Dice, Aces, Vegans, Lounge Lizards, Flash, Lhasa Apsas, Glitz
LA Freeway, Glitz, Elegance
Little Rock Big Rollers
Lexington Elixir, Stretch Runnerts
Los Angeles Scene, Lhasa Apsas, "A" List, Bodacious
Louisville Lip Loops
Lynchburg Lynchpins

Macon Magnets
Madison Maximum, Dollies
Maine Domain
Manhattan Essence, Mad Hatters
Manitoba Minotaurs
Martha's Vineyard Designer Corkscrews
Massachusetts Mish Mashers, Masqueradors
Maryland Marionettes, Marigolds
Memphis Philosopher Kings, Emphasis, Tempo
Miami Might, Maelstrom, Coral Glories
Milwaukee Talkies, Milkmen
Minneapolis Maulers, Miniskirts, Squall, Man Hunt
Mobile Homes, Shields
Modesto Destroyers, Devastators, Mad Dogs
Montreal Monsters, Full Monty, For One and One For All

Nags Head Swell
Nantucket Gannets
Narragansett Gannets, Sonnets, Epic Sunsets, Dynamic
Nashville Elvises, Warblers
Nebraska Ascots
New Orleans Mardi, Jazz Jammers
New York Corks, Fashion, Cork Poppers, Intrigue
Niagara Falls Barrel Jumpers, Exhilaration
Norfolk Navigators
North Dakota Nova, Supernova
Northern Virginia Supernova, Virtuosos

Oakland Omen, Ogres, Okra, Auklet, There, Oaks
Oklahoma City Octave Jumpers, Locomotives
Orlando Orchestrators, Obliterators
Oswego Swagger
Ottawa Automatons

Philadelphia Freedom, Flavor, Phalaropes, Bell Ringers
Phoenix Fiends, Phoenix, Phoebes, Femme Fatales, Risers, Phalanx
Piedmont Pied Pipers
Pierre Fresh, Pirouetters
Pittsburgh Tar Babies, Hard Hats, Pastels, Posterior Kickers
Portland Portenders, Dock Sopranos
Powhatan Powerhouse

Quebec Caribou

Raleigh Rally
Reno Keno
Richmond Thunder
Rochester Bustiers, Rock Stars

Sacramento Soccer Moms
Saint Louis Sensationals, Sabertooths, Arch
Salt Lake City Taste Buds
San Andreas Fault Finders
San Antonio Sandstorms, Forget-Me-Nots
San Francisco Sirens, Romance, Frantic, Wiz Kids, Frescoes
San Diego Sanderlings, Sand Dollars, Sandpipers, Cinderellas, Serendipitous
Savannah Savants, Whites
Seattle Sea Breeze, Seafarers, Rattlers, Sirens
Shreveport Banshees
Silicon Valley Cyberboppers
Sioux City Somersaulters, Sunbeams
SoBe Its
SoHo Lofts
Spokane Exclamation
Springfield (VA) Ramps
Stamford Stompers

Tacoma Tachymeters, Berenices
Tallahassee Lassies
Tampa Lamprey, Vamps, Temper, Tantrum, Rampage
Teaneck Brunch Stranglers
Texas Vortex, Jet Setters, Extraordinaires, Vixen
Toledo Leaders
Toronto Torrent, Tarantulas, Tremendous, Ruddy Turnstones, Tormenters,
Trenton Trendsetters, Tremendous
Tuscon Saguaros, Sonnets, Tunes, Irony, Ironic
Tulsa Ultimate, Ultimas, Tusslers

Vancouver Vamps, Beaufort, Wood Carvers
Virginia Geniuses, Vireos, Avocets

Warrenton Warlords, Warlocks, Warblers
Washington Warblers, Will Imposers, Policy, Diplomacy, Statesmen, Flourish, Nexus
Waterloo Loons, Walruses, Lulus, Water Lilies, Lollipop Lickers, Waterloos
Wichita Wings, Wit Patrol, Wishbones
Wilmington Willets, Waders
Winnipeg Wigwams, Whimbrels

Team combos
Dallas Malice + Dahlias = Dahlmals
Fort Worth Fortuitous + Mirth = FunLucks
Georgia Gorgers + Georgeous = Hot 'n' Heavies
Indianapolis Napoleons + No Naps = Bonaparte Sleepwalkers
Minneapolis Maulers + Minis(kirts) = MiniMalls
New York Corks + Fashion = GlamBallers
Pierre Fresh + Pirouetters = Fresh Legs
San Diego Sand Dollars + Cinderellas = SlipStars

Bad Names for Cars (that sound good until you consider what they mean:

Miasma Fiasco Entropy
Cretin Crony Craven
Mirage Enigma Phantom
Forerunner Penultimate Vacillator
Delilah Jeremiad Pariah
Sundry Desultory Slacker
Novice Dilettante Tyro
Angina Atrophy Aphasia
Edema Vapid Exiguous

Name That Horse

Since we haven't had a Triple Crown winner in 32 years, a lot of horseracing people are looking to change something. Take a look at the names of the 11 horses who have won a Triple Crown, and you'll see assertiveness, strength and triumph. Names like Gallant Fox, War Admiral, Assault, Secretariat, Seattle Slew and Affirmed.

Now we've got horses running around with names like "dude this' and "dude that". If Seattle Slew had been called Seattle Slaw, he might not have gotten as much respect. Ditto if Affirmed had been named Denied. Look at two of the last three horses to get to the Belmont Stakes with a chance for a triple crown: Funny Cide and Smarty Jones. You've got to be kidding!

Here are some good names for horses:
Get Bet Soon
Rainmaker
Morse Colt
Medicine Horse
Pole Star
Tonal Rail (has a nice ring to it)
Lustrous Finish
Wire to Wire
Record Setter
Go Figure Go (lineage of Go and Go)
Four Legs Good (from Orwell's Animal Farm)
Post Time Traveler
Surf In Turf (son of a mudder)
Bridle Wreath
Horse With A Name (ref. America song)
Runaway Charm (ref. my song)
ThoroughBroad (a filly)
Stretch Limo

by Steven (Starjet) Kearney

Celebrity Trainwreck Names

CELEBRITY TRAINWRECK NAMES (good ideas for Halloween costumes)
(in alphabetical order: by category*, and within each by first name)

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Eva LOgarithim (her Gabby is kinda complicated, or calculating)
Felicity Wolfman (her Lynette has an inner dark side that she just barely keeps repressed)
Macia Crossing Guard (her Bree wears orange while bossing everyone--especially her kids--around)
NicoLet's Share a Den (her Edie had a knack for unconventional living arrangements)
Teri Hatchet (she'd be a great heroine in a campy horror movie)

MOVIE STARS
Adam SandBar (he often seems drunk, or acting that way) or SandLot
Antonio BondAirbus (a role he's well-suited for--it'd fly!)
Ashley TentSale (compared with Van Hugs, she's probably a bargain now)
Camera On De Ass (you could make a movie of just that and guys would watch it)
Demi Monde (if the world were split in half would you be on her side? It's post-apocalyptic)
Drew Barleycorn (back-to-nature, crop cycle theme, also the Grim Reaper)
Dustin Hofstra (once a Graduate, always a Graduate--if you age well, or take Viagra)
Glenn Close Call (what she was in Fatal Attraction--a near miss)
Hillary Swank (I know it's her real name, but she'd probably look good in it)
Jack BlackOut (he's big enough to block out the Sun). or Blackhead (terrifying to teenagers)
Jamie Lee Kurdistan (sounds like a good name for her own yogurt brand--in the works)
Jessica Altar (where any single guy would be happy to take her)
Jon LoveIts Or LeaveIts (or leave it alone)
Kate Beck and Call (likes to play demanding roles) or Glockenspiel (has an appealing sound)
Kevin Bake-Off (he's down-home, yet competitive)
Lindsay Locust (she still acts like a 17-year-old--buzzing around), or LowRent (her movies never make any $)
Marilyn Moonroe (she was quite bewitching--like the pretty ones in Wiz of Oz)
Mel GibbStoned (what he was that wild night and what the media did to him afterwards)
Penultimate Cruise (she was the next-to-last woman Tom dated); or Penelope Cruz Control (wouldn't you like to take her for a ride?)
Pierce BroadBand (James Bond meets the Go Go Girls)
Salma Hijack (a female hijacker) or Lo-Jack (so no one can steal her away)
Seth Rogaine (he could use some)
Susan Saran Wrap (put on some red hair, dark glasses and wear something highly metallic)
Tom Cruiserweight (if he ever played a boxer, it couldn't be as a heavyweight)
Tom Handkerchiefs (his films tend to be sentimental)
Vanessa Huggies (a real babe/such a cute babyface!)
Will Feral (he's a wild & crazy guy)
Alec's Bald Twins (yeah, those two)
Zach F-stop (he's so photogenic)
　
POLITICS (Politicians and Political Journalists)
Al Goretex (a good fabric for changing climatic conditions)
Alan Green Hands (from counting all that money)
Albatross Gum Salad (the attorney general who wouldn't go away)
Almond In a Jam (more nuts than a fruitcake)
Ann Cold Cuts (sliced super thin) or Cold Turkey (an encounter with her is sobering)
Barack Odometer (so that his wife can keep tabs on him)
Carl Rogue (the master spinner has been known to "vogue")
Caspar Wine Cellar (the friendly ghost Wants You for a tour of his estate--bring a jacket)
CondoLizard RicePudding (she's all over the map--or is she?)
Dennis Has Dirt (he was, or should've been, kept informed of stuff)
Dennis Cooked Spinach (nobody's first choice...OK, maybe 1%)
Dick Ricochet-ney (he can't shoot straight, and isn't especially worried about it)
Donald Rumpelstiltskin (not your basic fairy tale ending)
Eleanor Clifthanger ("the suspense is killing me!"/murder she wrote)
Eliot Spritzer (looks for chicks in hotel lobby bar)
HairyYet Mired (wanabee judge bogged down in own goth-thick eyelashes 'n' gobs o' mascara)
Hilarious ClinTuff (two personality aspects she's trying to showcase)
JennaRation Books (a long war, and a short read)
John McLaugh-In (his show, at times, is slapstick comedy)
Larry Craig's List (where he could take out an ad telling everybody "I'm not gay!")
Mike HuckleBe (Huck Finn's populism) or HugaBee (ouch!)
Nancy Pirogi or Pilati (she's bi-coastal, if not bipartisan)
Ralph Nadir (at voting-time a regular bottom-feeder)
Raw Sparrow (his beak-like nose, and lack of city-slicker polish)
Rudy Vigilante (his prosecutorial experience) or Rudy Can't Fail (a song by the Clash)
Rush Lip Bra (he could use a little factual support--say a D-cup) or Limbo (trying to do it)
Sarah Palindrome/Pale and Droned/Pallid Drone (in a manner of speaking); or Sarah Impalin'/Impale 'em (she's a hunter not a gatherer, with her crossbow)
Tim Russet (his round, reddish-orange face--like a pumpkin-head, or a big apple)
Tom Rain Delay (the equivalent of a filibuster)
Tony SnowJob ("hey, y'all, I'm just doing my job up here...")
Valerie Flame (she could've gotten fired when her cover got blown)
　
SINGERS
Amy Henhouse (a real hot mess)
Atlantis Morrisette (she usually sounds depressed, forlorn, abandoned like the lost continent)
Barry Man-at-Large (cops have CD evidence of him murdering pop music hits by the decade)
Bed Bath & Beyonce (she's got it all)
Britney Smears (she treats the pap-arazzi like they're gynecologists)
Hillary MacDuff (there must be something Shakesperean about her)
Huey Newton and the Loos or Huey Knew Us in the Loo (a little invasive British humor)
Jessica Dim Sum (let's see if she can figure it out)
Jonah's Brothers (Bible thumpers swallow their pride)
Just in Time for Dinner (he's on the go) or Tamberlaine (if you want to dress like an emperor)
Kevin Fed a Line (he can't memorize 'em) or Snort a Line (he's always just about to blow up)
Lance C. Bass Guitar (has fish-eyes); or Lance Bass Guitar (wishes he played an instrument)
Mariah's Scary (if she went Gothic, complete with fangs, it'd be a great departure)
Mel B.-List (dancing with the "stars")
Mick Jaguar (one fierce cat)
Miley Cyprus (why just be a state when you can be an entire country); or Mile 'o' Mint Cyrus (she's a goldmine); or Miley Sea Wolf (something wet & wild about her); or Miley Virus (popping up all over like a pandemic outbreak)
Natasha PettingZoo (G-rated, or R between-lines)
Nick Latchkey (you kind of want to feel sorry for the kid)
Victoria Bedlam(b) (like the month of March--in/out)
Whitney, Who's Stoned? (a rhetorical question)

"SINGING" "TALENT" SHOW AMERICAN I DULL
Antonella BaR bra (R-rated material getting turned into PG)
Bo Bison (a heavy metal band goes off-road out on the prairie, finds they're running with 'em)
Fantasia Burrito (a great name for a Mexican restaurant--if you can read it)
Jazz Mum Triage (a softly singing ER nurse a la "killing me softly with...song")
Kerry Underworld (she's a bit of a torch singer so could be the devil's better half in a duet/if she made a pact/she's so hot)
Ryan SheQuest (not that he wants one but rather he wants to be one)
Simon Scowl (it's more natural, less forced than his smile) or Cowrie (stuck in his shell)
Taylor Higgs Boson (he bounces around like something shot out of a particle accelerator)

SIT-COM STARS, COMEDIANS
Carol Burn At the Stake (that flaming red hair!)
Drew Caries ("what percentage of Americans know that caries is a dental term for cavities?")
Gary ColeSlaw (always comes in those itty bitty portions)
Herman Muenster (cheesey guy, with a wedge-shaped head a la Green Bay football fans)
Jerry's Stein's Filled (he's had it up to here/when you're drunk, anything can seem funny)
James Vader (the killer attorney with ice in his veins and a definite dark side)
Jane KrackHouseKey--(she looks high all the time)
Jerry's Stein's Filled (he's had it up to here/hey, when you're drunk, anything can seem funny) or Kelsey Grammar School/Kelsey GramHair (his characters tend to act like big babies--and have as much hair)
Martin Short Pants (lovable loser, like the Trinidadian calypso singer)
Roseanne Barf (as crude as she can be)
Sarah Silverdome (it doesn't make any sense--like her, or not)
Tina Fey (if she suddenly started babbling, or, isn't that kind of, like, how she talks all the time)
Whoopey GoldBerg (think Titanic filmed as a dark comedy)
SPORTS (Players & Broadcasters)
Albert Pool Halls (he hustles on every play)
Barry US Bonds (popular out on the road singing--"Rte.66"--but only at home when swinging)
Cal RIP Tide (still waters run deep)
Charles Bar-Kays (he'd make a good front man for the vintage funk band); or Charles BarCode--he's a big spender.
John Mammoth (he's about as big as one, and you won't find either on an airplane)
Mark Phillip Sousa (the Australian tennis star in search of an American girlfriend)
Michelle Wee (she's like Alice in Wonderland out there on the golf course lately)
Marco/Morocco Meteorite--shooting star.
O Scare de Latoya (the prizefighter going on a gender-bender: real or photo-shopped?)
PayTon's Mannequins (he's got so many commercial deals he can't do them all himself)
The Stupor Bowl (you've got to be drunk to watch it all 'cus it's usually over at halftime)
Tiger Would (and plenty of you would have, too, if you were in his shoes)
Venus Wilhelmina (she's so into fashion)

"SPORTS"--POKER PLAYERS
All-in CunningHaM or All In Mia Ham
Dale Bunson Burner (precision alchemy)
Howard Letter Opener or Howard--Let Her Open It (he'd stab you in the back)
Jennifer Harmonics(as in the New Age "harmonic convergence", with musical over/undertones)
Mike Mad As Hell (and he's not taking it anymore)
Patrick Polonius--ShakesPearean
Phil Heimlich Maneuver (somebody at the table is choking)
Phil I.V. (a hospital vampire, or the king of France from1285 to 1314 A.D.)

TV DRAMA/REALITY
Carmen Electrode (shock treatment from a beautiful lifeguard)
Carrie Ann Pearl Harbor--tango alpha bravo charlie
Fear Factory (the show's fascination w/remote industrial sites--look out!)
Gordon Ramses (testosterone branding kitchen king)
Gray's Anemone (a lot of tentacles reaching out)
Hayden Planetarium (she's pretty well-rounded)
Heather Millstone (what she was--around Paul's wallet, anyway)
Heidi Plume (wispy)
Kelly Monocle (soaps could use a super-sleuth to tie up some of those persistent loose ends)
Kim CardAssian (a Trekkie with a big following behind her)
Kirstie Dark Alley (you'd hate to run into her there)
Moon BloodGood (the actual name of the time traveler--a vampyress crossed with a she-wolf)
Nickelodeon Sushi (she's like a kid in an upscale candy store)
Pamela Neanderson (the guys she marries tend to be a bit cave-mannish)
Paris Hilltop (guys like to park there with her)
Rich Or Rancid (for the entrepreneurial, money changes everything)
Sarah Jessica Barker (Bow Wow!!)
　
TV TALK PERSONALITIES:
Al Roquefort (in good taste, and a bit cheesey)
Arsenio Hall Monitor (a scary sight for mischievous kids)
Barbara Walrus (there's something majestic about the way she tilts her head...)
Bryant Gumblow (just perm your hair, don a suit coat & tie, get a big wad of gum and act silly)
Carson Monthly (that's about how often most people watch his show)
Conehead O'Brine Shrimp (their tails mimic his wavy orange hair)
Craig Fergusonofabitch (what Prince Charles calls him)
Craig Stillborn (his show was DOA)
Dan Druthers (if he' had his druthers, we'd be in a rather different place)
David Lettucehead (a scarecrow with a head of lettuce--dude, what were you thinking?)
Diane/Leslie Saw Ya (a la Texas Chainsaw--don't mess with Texas)
Elizabeth Has To Bitch (she just has to--she doesn't know any other way)
Ellen Degenerates (she dances like an ape)
Katie Curate (she's so wholesome) or Curad (bandaged head to foot--reading the news)
Kelly RIP C(h)ord (feels vertigo, thinks "rip cord", reaches over 'n' slashes at Regis' throat)
Martha's Steward(1st her jailkeeper, then parole officer so she can go places like her Vineyard)
Mad Plower (where the heck is he? Oh no, he's coming right at us with a snow plow!)
Oprah Wince Streak (audience reaction if she took her clothes off and ran around the stage)
Rachael Wraith (ghost of meals past--an upset stomach; or the man-eaters of TV Stargate series)
Rosie O'Grady (she belongs in a rowdy Irish pub)
Tiara Banks (she's so exotic) or Tyrannosaurus Banks (fiercely flashing teeth, & all legs)
Walter Conn Smyth (award-winning journalist for giving us the cold, hard facts)

TALK RADIO (NOT POLITICAL)/VARIETY
Garrison Keel Over (sounds like he's been drinking)
George Norway/Noriega ( if the Coast-to-Coast host's voiced stretched North-to-South)
Howard Sternum (where you'd like to punch him)
Ian Pundit (he is what he is)
Linda Molting Owl (intrepid researcher into the moonlit world of the paranormal)

YESTERDAY'S NEWS, BUT COULD RESURFACE
Alien Gonzalez (the child refugee who got sent back--to outer space)
John Marked Card (he deceived everybody about role in JonBenet case)
Natalie Hauled Away (what may have happened to her in Aruba)
*Some celebrities have been active in multiple fields. They are generally listed in the field they've been most prominent in.

Steven (Starjet) Kearney