Here's a list of my ongoing activities.
The gallery at www.ArtWanted.com/artist.cfm?ArtID=47665 displays a variety of my paintings, photos and other images.
You can also use Google browser--stephen kearney artist paintings artwanted.com--to bring up a nicely arranged search retrieval of about 100 representative s.k.works--before it drifts off into irrerlevant stuff.
For fashion design go to shardy-arts--Steve's gallery/boutique affiliated with PAOM.
To see steve's videos it's http://YouTube.com/user/cyclopster --the quirky stuff includes music videos, sets of paintings, dogs, seashells, road trips,comedic acting, etc.
To read steve's books search Amazon Kindle steve kearney and you'll find Kearney Blarney (family humor)and also Cosmic Wormhole Web System (sci-fi).
My extensive music discography can all be heard at https://soundcloud.com/stephen-kearney-7.Most of it's available for downloading at the usual places.
Distributor CD Baby has an artist's writeup page and also a place for comments on Ace Shardtrix--The Drawbridge; Steven Starjet--Love Wheel; Steve and Ace--Blue Night, and Smashups!; Riffin Spiders--Tune the Moon, and Welcome to Mars! More titles are coming soon!
Then there's this site--bogfrogjog.blogspot.com--essays and whatnot.
Direct links for most of the above (ArtWanted, Blogger, SoundCloud, and YouTube) can be accessed at https://about.me/stevekearney99.me.
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Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Showing posts with label music. Show all posts
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
STEVE & ACE RELEASE SMASHING SMASHUPS! CD
For this cd-full-of-mashups--Smashups!-- Steve & Ace have tapped into their own catalog--transformationally electrified--and mixed in some potential future hits along with a decent amount of improvisation. At times, if you’re familiar with the material, you can pick out hooks from the originals. But the real magic of Smashups!comes from the creation of wholly fresh-sounding work here.
Steve--the man, and Ace--the guitar, have been making music together for quite a long time, but this is their first effort as an electric, multi-track outfit. As usual, the sound is rather unconventional. It’s sort of like hard rock meets new age crossed with classical mixed with a kind of punk metal avant-garde adventure movie soundtrack..
The guitar sound has a 50’s feel--with modern effects added. Methods of strumming the guitar produce percussive sounds that serve as rhythm makers. And so a wall of sound is constructed, in effect, from nothing more than one guy and one guitar--with utilization of a pickup, an amp, a pedal or two and some software
The vocal stylings range from cathedral--esque chanting to mock TV newscasts and commercials. Some of the “voices” are created by Steve’s playing the guitar a certain way; others are spawned in the studio by the layering of tracks. Which is to say, most of the vocals on this record are self-generated yet more or less “found.”
Overall, the sounds evoke epic visual dreamscapes of frenetic activity, as well as moments of serenity and wonderment, that are highly cinematic! The voices seem to be coming from a variety of depths and with a diversity of purpose and urgency. Some of it sounds like radio transmissions--having problems with interference.
Enjoy it over popcorn! Sounds best played loud! Cheers!
Now, a related post.
More on Steve & Ace’s new record “Smashups!” What they’re doing here can be seen as a rather revolutionary fusion of rock with classical.
They take your basic rock hook--sticking out like a sore thumb--and embed it in the composition. This way it can grow on you.
A couple or more guitar (tracks) play the same song/chord changes out of sync and/or in a different style or tempo. This provides some harmonies and some dissonance. Another guitar (track) usually plays an entirely different song or a medley of some--creating a polyphonic effect.
Often, guitars improvise or noodle around. There is an occasional solo/prominent bar or two. These serve to develop the theme, a lynchpin of classical music structure.
The drum section of a R&R band is covered by Steve & Ace with guitar percussives. Certain ways of interacting with the instrument can produce rich sounds that are rhythmic yet not overly melodic. At times, elements of the mix are rather industrial, or like a jet, or the wind and its effects.
Vocals are shared by a plethora of voices that seem woven into the mix. You’ve got a range from really high-pitch Alvin & the Chipmunkish to bassy Darth Vader-like. There are delighted voices saying things like “oh, joy” and “we’ve just won a million dollars” to desperate voices such as “what’s going on?“ and “we’re going under!” Expressions range from the mundane “it’s like 32 degrees outside”, to big questions like “where is the body?“ It’s a cornucopia of voices, really--Gregorian chanting alternates and overlaps with Dante’s Inferno, making it potentially polyphonic both vocally and guitar-wise..
To trump the devil’s advocate: if all of this sounds like the perfect recipe/storm for a train wreck kind of record, let me assure you--Steve & Ace is/are no gimmick. The music may sound like a train wreck at times--literally--but not figuratively The unique style on display here developed out of years of guitar practice sessions, a plenitude of weeks-at-a-time songwriting marathons, hundreds of hours recording vocals and acoustic guitar (3+ cds-worth), and decades of listening to a great variety of music (including one decade of regular show going in NYC--from CBGBs to Carnegie Hall).
Rock On! (With Class)
PS--When somebody mentions classical music, the first thing one generally thinks of is a symphony orchestra. While Steve & Ace’s wall of sound could be considered an update in that vein, the music also bears a striking resemblance to classical chamber music--as if a string quartet’s two violins, viola and cello have been transformed into electric guitars.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Spanish Version of Take Me Out to the Ballgame
It would be cool if people here sang Take Me Out to the BallGame in Spanish every Cinco de Mayo.
However, most translations are unsatisfactory because:
*They don't get the correct meanings of some of the words, particularly the sports lingo--to "root" for a team doesn't mean to root around in the ground or trace one's ancestry.
*They lack a sense of rhythm, use too many words/syllables and so are clumsy/rushed when sung.
*They don't translate everything--leaving bits and pieces of English.
So here goes:
Llevame al partido de beisbol
Llevame con la multitud
Compreme cacahuetes y Galleta Jack
No me importa si nunca vuelvo
Rugir, rugir para los Cachorros/Diamantes/Atleticos/Nacionales/Yanquis/etc.
Si no ganan, que lastima
Porque es uno, dos, tres y ponchado
En el pasatiempo grandioso!
However, most translations are unsatisfactory because:
*They don't get the correct meanings of some of the words, particularly the sports lingo--to "root" for a team doesn't mean to root around in the ground or trace one's ancestry.
*They lack a sense of rhythm, use too many words/syllables and so are clumsy/rushed when sung.
*They don't translate everything--leaving bits and pieces of English.
So here goes:
Llevame al partido de beisbol
Llevame con la multitud
Compreme cacahuetes y Galleta Jack
No me importa si nunca vuelvo
Rugir, rugir para los Cachorros/Diamantes/Atleticos/Nacionales/Yanquis/etc.
Si no ganan, que lastima
Porque es uno, dos, tres y ponchado
En el pasatiempo grandioso!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
American Idol Contestant Goes Overboard for Sponsor
American I Dough
Crystal Bowersox's lyrical gaffe on Beatles' Come Together was mostly substituting "coca cola" for "mojo filter" in final verse. "Coca cola" was used earlier in the song correctly, so she evidently had the show's big sponsor on her mind.
Crystal Bowersox's lyrical gaffe on Beatles' Come Together was mostly substituting "coca cola" for "mojo filter" in final verse. "Coca cola" was used earlier in the song correctly, so she evidently had the show's big sponsor on her mind.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
American Idol Meets the Rolling Stones
Which Rolliing Stones songs should they sing on American Idol?
American Idol--week of the Final 12 (Pick 6)
Some Rolling Stones songs good for a female vocalist:
Wild Horses*
You Can't Always Get what You Want*
Heart of Stone*
Lies
Come On
Bitch
Gimme Shelter
Under My Thumb*
Paint It Black
Happy
Shattered
Tumbling Dice (it's already been covered by e.g. Linda Ronstadt)
Last Time
That's How Strong My Love Is
*Of course, several of these would need to have the lyrics modified slightly (to keep them heterosexual): for example "he's under my thumb". Actually, it's surprising just how many of 'em don't require any lyric changes, and the ones that do--not that much.
So how did it turn out?
They (the women) sang:
Wild Horses
You Can't Always Get...
Paint It Black
Ruby Tuesday
Play with Fire
Honky Tonk Woman
Pretty safe--they're all on Hot Rocks (I). I'm not sure they actually made gender change in lyrics in Wild Horses, Can't Always Get, or Ruby Tuesday (poss. not necessary in this one--or even the other two, for that matter). They did make the changes w/Honky Tonk.
Conclusion: Despite being at times quite sexist, the music of the Rolling Stones is surprisingly adaptable to a female singer. This is particularly so when you consider the possibilities of irony and parody--issues of a greater complexity than something like American idol presents, short of Adam Lambert.
Cover artists, and even original songwriters, might do well to contemplate greater unisexuality in this era of greater gender equality. Of course, it also doesn't hurt to have a ton of great songs to choose from, like The Stones.
Ditto as regards Bruce Springsteen--although his music is entirely different in tone from the Stones. A talented female vocalist could probably pull off a lot of it as there is a substantial amount of tenderness, pathos, sentimentality, melodrama, romanticism, etc. throughout his repertory.
Some good Bossongs for female vocalist: Factory, Cover Me, Price You Pay, Point Black, 57 Channels, Incident on 57th St., NY City Serenade, Dancin' in the Dark, Does this Bus Stop at 82nd St., Brilliant Disguise, Human Touch, 10th Ave. Freeze-Out, Kitty's Back, Rising, Bobby Jean, Ties that Bind, Two Hearts, Workin' on a Dream, Wreck on the Highway, The Way, Thunder Road, I'm a Rocker, My Love Will Not Let You Down, Car Wash...
Steven (Kearney) Starjet
American Idol--week of the Final 12 (Pick 6)
Some Rolling Stones songs good for a female vocalist:
Wild Horses*
You Can't Always Get what You Want*
Heart of Stone*
Lies
Come On
Bitch
Gimme Shelter
Under My Thumb*
Paint It Black
Happy
Shattered
Tumbling Dice (it's already been covered by e.g. Linda Ronstadt)
Last Time
That's How Strong My Love Is
*Of course, several of these would need to have the lyrics modified slightly (to keep them heterosexual): for example "he's under my thumb". Actually, it's surprising just how many of 'em don't require any lyric changes, and the ones that do--not that much.
So how did it turn out?
They (the women) sang:
Wild Horses
You Can't Always Get...
Paint It Black
Ruby Tuesday
Play with Fire
Honky Tonk Woman
Pretty safe--they're all on Hot Rocks (I). I'm not sure they actually made gender change in lyrics in Wild Horses, Can't Always Get, or Ruby Tuesday (poss. not necessary in this one--or even the other two, for that matter). They did make the changes w/Honky Tonk.
Conclusion: Despite being at times quite sexist, the music of the Rolling Stones is surprisingly adaptable to a female singer. This is particularly so when you consider the possibilities of irony and parody--issues of a greater complexity than something like American idol presents, short of Adam Lambert.
Cover artists, and even original songwriters, might do well to contemplate greater unisexuality in this era of greater gender equality. Of course, it also doesn't hurt to have a ton of great songs to choose from, like The Stones.
Ditto as regards Bruce Springsteen--although his music is entirely different in tone from the Stones. A talented female vocalist could probably pull off a lot of it as there is a substantial amount of tenderness, pathos, sentimentality, melodrama, romanticism, etc. throughout his repertory.
Some good Bossongs for female vocalist: Factory, Cover Me, Price You Pay, Point Black, 57 Channels, Incident on 57th St., NY City Serenade, Dancin' in the Dark, Does this Bus Stop at 82nd St., Brilliant Disguise, Human Touch, 10th Ave. Freeze-Out, Kitty's Back, Rising, Bobby Jean, Ties that Bind, Two Hearts, Workin' on a Dream, Wreck on the Highway, The Way, Thunder Road, I'm a Rocker, My Love Will Not Let You Down, Car Wash...
Steven (Kearney) Starjet
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Celebrity Trainwreck Names
CELEBRITY TRAINWRECK NAMES (good ideas for Halloween costumes)
(in alphabetical order: by category*, and within each by first name)
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Eva LOgarithim (her Gabby is kinda complicated, or calculating)
Felicity Wolfman (her Lynette has an inner dark side that she just barely keeps repressed)
Macia Crossing Guard (her Bree wears orange while bossing everyone--especially her kids--around)
NicoLet's Share a Den (her Edie had a knack for unconventional living arrangements)
Teri Hatchet (she'd be a great heroine in a campy horror movie)
MOVIE STARS
Adam SandBar (he often seems drunk, or acting that way) or SandLot
Antonio BondAirbus (a role he's well-suited for--it'd fly!)
Ashley TentSale (compared with Van Hugs, she's probably a bargain now)
Camera On De Ass (you could make a movie of just that and guys would watch it)
Demi Monde (if the world were split in half would you be on her side? It's post-apocalyptic)
Drew Barleycorn (back-to-nature, crop cycle theme, also the Grim Reaper)
Dustin Hofstra (once a Graduate, always a Graduate--if you age well, or take Viagra)
Glenn Close Call (what she was in Fatal Attraction--a near miss)
Hillary Swank (I know it's her real name, but she'd probably look good in it)
Jack BlackOut (he's big enough to block out the Sun). or Blackhead (terrifying to teenagers)
Jamie Lee Kurdistan (sounds like a good name for her own yogurt brand--in the works)
Jessica Altar (where any single guy would be happy to take her)
Jon LoveIts Or LeaveIts (or leave it alone)
Kate Beck and Call (likes to play demanding roles) or Glockenspiel (has an appealing sound)
Kevin Bake-Off (he's down-home, yet competitive)
Lindsay Locust (she still acts like a 17-year-old--buzzing around), or LowRent (her movies never make any $)
Marilyn Moonroe (she was quite bewitching--like the pretty ones in Wiz of Oz)
Mel GibbStoned (what he was that wild night and what the media did to him afterwards)
Penultimate Cruise (she was the next-to-last woman Tom dated); or Penelope Cruz Control (wouldn't you like to take her for a ride?)
Pierce BroadBand (James Bond meets the Go Go Girls)
Salma Hijack (a female hijacker) or Lo-Jack (so no one can steal her away)
Seth Rogaine (he could use some)
Susan Saran Wrap (put on some red hair, dark glasses and wear something highly metallic)
Tom Cruiserweight (if he ever played a boxer, it couldn't be as a heavyweight)
Tom Handkerchiefs (his films tend to be sentimental)
Vanessa Huggies (a real babe/such a cute babyface!)
Will Feral (he's a wild & crazy guy)
Alec's Bald Twins (yeah, those two)
Zach F-stop (he's so photogenic)
POLITICS (Politicians and Political Journalists)
Al Goretex (a good fabric for changing climatic conditions)
Alan Green Hands (from counting all that money)
Albatross Gum Salad (the attorney general who wouldn't go away)
Almond In a Jam (more nuts than a fruitcake)
Ann Cold Cuts (sliced super thin) or Cold Turkey (an encounter with her is sobering)
Barack Odometer (so that his wife can keep tabs on him)
Carl Rogue (the master spinner has been known to "vogue")
Caspar Wine Cellar (the friendly ghost Wants You for a tour of his estate--bring a jacket)
CondoLizard RicePudding (she's all over the map--or is she?)
Dennis Has Dirt (he was, or should've been, kept informed of stuff)
Dennis Cooked Spinach (nobody's first choice...OK, maybe 1%)
Dick Ricochet-ney (he can't shoot straight, and isn't especially worried about it)
Donald Rumpelstiltskin (not your basic fairy tale ending)
Eleanor Clifthanger ("the suspense is killing me!"/murder she wrote)
Eliot Spritzer (looks for chicks in hotel lobby bar)
HairyYet Mired (wanabee judge bogged down in own goth-thick eyelashes 'n' gobs o' mascara)
Hilarious ClinTuff (two personality aspects she's trying to showcase)
JennaRation Books (a long war, and a short read)
John McLaugh-In (his show, at times, is slapstick comedy)
Larry Craig's List (where he could take out an ad telling everybody "I'm not gay!")
Mike HuckleBe (Huck Finn's populism) or HugaBee (ouch!)
Nancy Pirogi or Pilati (she's bi-coastal, if not bipartisan)
Ralph Nadir (at voting-time a regular bottom-feeder)
Raw Sparrow (his beak-like nose, and lack of city-slicker polish)
Rudy Vigilante (his prosecutorial experience) or Rudy Can't Fail (a song by the Clash)
Rush Lip Bra (he could use a little factual support--say a D-cup) or Limbo (trying to do it)
Sarah Palindrome/Pale and Droned/Pallid Drone (in a manner of speaking); or Sarah Impalin'/Impale 'em (she's a hunter not a gatherer, with her crossbow)
Tim Russet (his round, reddish-orange face--like a pumpkin-head, or a big apple)
Tom Rain Delay (the equivalent of a filibuster)
Tony SnowJob ("hey, y'all, I'm just doing my job up here...")
Valerie Flame (she could've gotten fired when her cover got blown)
SINGERS
Amy Henhouse (a real hot mess)
Atlantis Morrisette (she usually sounds depressed, forlorn, abandoned like the lost continent)
Barry Man-at-Large (cops have CD evidence of him murdering pop music hits by the decade)
Bed Bath & Beyonce (she's got it all)
Britney Smears (she treats the pap-arazzi like they're gynecologists)
Hillary MacDuff (there must be something Shakesperean about her)
Huey Newton and the Loos or Huey Knew Us in the Loo (a little invasive British humor)
Jessica Dim Sum (let's see if she can figure it out)
Jonah's Brothers (Bible thumpers swallow their pride)
Just in Time for Dinner (he's on the go) or Tamberlaine (if you want to dress like an emperor)
Kevin Fed a Line (he can't memorize 'em) or Snort a Line (he's always just about to blow up)
Lance C. Bass Guitar (has fish-eyes); or Lance Bass Guitar (wishes he played an instrument)
Mariah's Scary (if she went Gothic, complete with fangs, it'd be a great departure)
Mel B.-List (dancing with the "stars")
Mick Jaguar (one fierce cat)
Miley Cyprus (why just be a state when you can be an entire country); or Mile 'o' Mint Cyrus (she's a goldmine); or Miley Sea Wolf (something wet & wild about her); or Miley Virus (popping up all over like a pandemic outbreak)
Natasha PettingZoo (G-rated, or R between-lines)
Nick Latchkey (you kind of want to feel sorry for the kid)
Victoria Bedlam(b) (like the month of March--in/out)
Whitney, Who's Stoned? (a rhetorical question)
"SINGING" "TALENT" SHOW AMERICAN I DULL
Antonella BaR bra (R-rated material getting turned into PG)
Bo Bison (a heavy metal band goes off-road out on the prairie, finds they're running with 'em)
Fantasia Burrito (a great name for a Mexican restaurant--if you can read it)
Jazz Mum Triage (a softly singing ER nurse a la "killing me softly with...song")
Kerry Underworld (she's a bit of a torch singer so could be the devil's better half in a duet/if she made a pact/she's so hot)
Ryan SheQuest (not that he wants one but rather he wants to be one)
Simon Scowl (it's more natural, less forced than his smile) or Cowrie (stuck in his shell)
Taylor Higgs Boson (he bounces around like something shot out of a particle accelerator)
SIT-COM STARS, COMEDIANS
Carol Burn At the Stake (that flaming red hair!)
Drew Caries ("what percentage of Americans know that caries is a dental term for cavities?")
Gary ColeSlaw (always comes in those itty bitty portions)
Herman Muenster (cheesey guy, with a wedge-shaped head a la Green Bay football fans)
Jerry's Stein's Filled (he's had it up to here/when you're drunk, anything can seem funny)
James Vader (the killer attorney with ice in his veins and a definite dark side)
Jane KrackHouseKey--(she looks high all the time)
Jerry's Stein's Filled (he's had it up to here/hey, when you're drunk, anything can seem funny) or Kelsey Grammar School/Kelsey GramHair (his characters tend to act like big babies--and have as much hair)
Martin Short Pants (lovable loser, like the Trinidadian calypso singer)
Roseanne Barf (as crude as she can be)
Sarah Silverdome (it doesn't make any sense--like her, or not)
Tina Fey (if she suddenly started babbling, or, isn't that kind of, like, how she talks all the time)
Whoopey GoldBerg (think Titanic filmed as a dark comedy)
SPORTS (Players & Broadcasters)
Albert Pool Halls (he hustles on every play)
Barry US Bonds (popular out on the road singing--"Rte.66"--but only at home when swinging)
Cal RIP Tide (still waters run deep)
Charles Bar-Kays (he'd make a good front man for the vintage funk band); or Charles BarCode--he's a big spender.
John Mammoth (he's about as big as one, and you won't find either on an airplane)
Mark Phillip Sousa (the Australian tennis star in search of an American girlfriend)
Michelle Wee (she's like Alice in Wonderland out there on the golf course lately)
Marco/Morocco Meteorite--shooting star.
O Scare de Latoya (the prizefighter going on a gender-bender: real or photo-shopped?)
PayTon's Mannequins (he's got so many commercial deals he can't do them all himself)
The Stupor Bowl (you've got to be drunk to watch it all 'cus it's usually over at halftime)
Tiger Would (and plenty of you would have, too, if you were in his shoes)
Venus Wilhelmina (she's so into fashion)
"SPORTS"--POKER PLAYERS
All-in CunningHaM or All In Mia Ham
Dale Bunson Burner (precision alchemy)
Howard Letter Opener or Howard--Let Her Open It (he'd stab you in the back)
Jennifer Harmonics(as in the New Age "harmonic convergence", with musical over/undertones)
Mike Mad As Hell (and he's not taking it anymore)
Patrick Polonius--ShakesPearean
Phil Heimlich Maneuver (somebody at the table is choking)
Phil I.V. (a hospital vampire, or the king of France from1285 to 1314 A.D.)
TV DRAMA/REALITY
Carmen Electrode (shock treatment from a beautiful lifeguard)
Carrie Ann Pearl Harbor--tango alpha bravo charlie
Fear Factory (the show's fascination w/remote industrial sites--look out!)
Gordon Ramses (testosterone branding kitchen king)
Gray's Anemone (a lot of tentacles reaching out)
Hayden Planetarium (she's pretty well-rounded)
Heather Millstone (what she was--around Paul's wallet, anyway)
Heidi Plume (wispy)
Kelly Monocle (soaps could use a super-sleuth to tie up some of those persistent loose ends)
Kim CardAssian (a Trekkie with a big following behind her)
Kirstie Dark Alley (you'd hate to run into her there)
Moon BloodGood (the actual name of the time traveler--a vampyress crossed with a she-wolf)
Nickelodeon Sushi (she's like a kid in an upscale candy store)
Pamela Neanderson (the guys she marries tend to be a bit cave-mannish)
Paris Hilltop (guys like to park there with her)
Rich Or Rancid (for the entrepreneurial, money changes everything)
Sarah Jessica Barker (Bow Wow!!)
TV TALK PERSONALITIES:
Al Roquefort (in good taste, and a bit cheesey)
Arsenio Hall Monitor (a scary sight for mischievous kids)
Barbara Walrus (there's something majestic about the way she tilts her head...)
Bryant Gumblow (just perm your hair, don a suit coat & tie, get a big wad of gum and act silly)
Carson Monthly (that's about how often most people watch his show)
Conehead O'Brine Shrimp (their tails mimic his wavy orange hair)
Craig Fergusonofabitch (what Prince Charles calls him)
Craig Stillborn (his show was DOA)
Dan Druthers (if he' had his druthers, we'd be in a rather different place)
David Lettucehead (a scarecrow with a head of lettuce--dude, what were you thinking?)
Diane/Leslie Saw Ya (a la Texas Chainsaw--don't mess with Texas)
Elizabeth Has To Bitch (she just has to--she doesn't know any other way)
Ellen Degenerates (she dances like an ape)
Katie Curate (she's so wholesome) or Curad (bandaged head to foot--reading the news)
Kelly RIP C(h)ord (feels vertigo, thinks "rip cord", reaches over 'n' slashes at Regis' throat)
Martha's Steward(1st her jailkeeper, then parole officer so she can go places like her Vineyard)
Mad Plower (where the heck is he? Oh no, he's coming right at us with a snow plow!)
Oprah Wince Streak (audience reaction if she took her clothes off and ran around the stage)
Rachael Wraith (ghost of meals past--an upset stomach; or the man-eaters of TV Stargate series)
Rosie O'Grady (she belongs in a rowdy Irish pub)
Tiara Banks (she's so exotic) or Tyrannosaurus Banks (fiercely flashing teeth, & all legs)
Walter Conn Smyth (award-winning journalist for giving us the cold, hard facts)
TALK RADIO (NOT POLITICAL)/VARIETY
Garrison Keel Over (sounds like he's been drinking)
George Norway/Noriega ( if the Coast-to-Coast host's voiced stretched North-to-South)
Howard Sternum (where you'd like to punch him)
Ian Pundit (he is what he is)
Linda Molting Owl (intrepid researcher into the moonlit world of the paranormal)
YESTERDAY'S NEWS, BUT COULD RESURFACE
Alien Gonzalez (the child refugee who got sent back--to outer space)
John Marked Card (he deceived everybody about role in JonBenet case)
Natalie Hauled Away (what may have happened to her in Aruba)
*Some celebrities have been active in multiple fields. They are generally listed in the field they've been most prominent in.
Steven (Starjet) Kearney
(in alphabetical order: by category*, and within each by first name)
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Eva LOgarithim (her Gabby is kinda complicated, or calculating)
Felicity Wolfman (her Lynette has an inner dark side that she just barely keeps repressed)
Macia Crossing Guard (her Bree wears orange while bossing everyone--especially her kids--around)
NicoLet's Share a Den (her Edie had a knack for unconventional living arrangements)
Teri Hatchet (she'd be a great heroine in a campy horror movie)
MOVIE STARS
Adam SandBar (he often seems drunk, or acting that way) or SandLot
Antonio BondAirbus (a role he's well-suited for--it'd fly!)
Ashley TentSale (compared with Van Hugs, she's probably a bargain now)
Camera On De Ass (you could make a movie of just that and guys would watch it)
Demi Monde (if the world were split in half would you be on her side? It's post-apocalyptic)
Drew Barleycorn (back-to-nature, crop cycle theme, also the Grim Reaper)
Dustin Hofstra (once a Graduate, always a Graduate--if you age well, or take Viagra)
Glenn Close Call (what she was in Fatal Attraction--a near miss)
Hillary Swank (I know it's her real name, but she'd probably look good in it)
Jack BlackOut (he's big enough to block out the Sun). or Blackhead (terrifying to teenagers)
Jamie Lee Kurdistan (sounds like a good name for her own yogurt brand--in the works)
Jessica Altar (where any single guy would be happy to take her)
Jon LoveIts Or LeaveIts (or leave it alone)
Kate Beck and Call (likes to play demanding roles) or Glockenspiel (has an appealing sound)
Kevin Bake-Off (he's down-home, yet competitive)
Lindsay Locust (she still acts like a 17-year-old--buzzing around), or LowRent (her movies never make any $)
Marilyn Moonroe (she was quite bewitching--like the pretty ones in Wiz of Oz)
Mel GibbStoned (what he was that wild night and what the media did to him afterwards)
Penultimate Cruise (she was the next-to-last woman Tom dated); or Penelope Cruz Control (wouldn't you like to take her for a ride?)
Pierce BroadBand (James Bond meets the Go Go Girls)
Salma Hijack (a female hijacker) or Lo-Jack (so no one can steal her away)
Seth Rogaine (he could use some)
Susan Saran Wrap (put on some red hair, dark glasses and wear something highly metallic)
Tom Cruiserweight (if he ever played a boxer, it couldn't be as a heavyweight)
Tom Handkerchiefs (his films tend to be sentimental)
Vanessa Huggies (a real babe/such a cute babyface!)
Will Feral (he's a wild & crazy guy)
Alec's Bald Twins (yeah, those two)
Zach F-stop (he's so photogenic)
POLITICS (Politicians and Political Journalists)
Al Goretex (a good fabric for changing climatic conditions)
Alan Green Hands (from counting all that money)
Albatross Gum Salad (the attorney general who wouldn't go away)
Almond In a Jam (more nuts than a fruitcake)
Ann Cold Cuts (sliced super thin) or Cold Turkey (an encounter with her is sobering)
Barack Odometer (so that his wife can keep tabs on him)
Carl Rogue (the master spinner has been known to "vogue")
Caspar Wine Cellar (the friendly ghost Wants You for a tour of his estate--bring a jacket)
CondoLizard RicePudding (she's all over the map--or is she?)
Dennis Has Dirt (he was, or should've been, kept informed of stuff)
Dennis Cooked Spinach (nobody's first choice...OK, maybe 1%)
Dick Ricochet-ney (he can't shoot straight, and isn't especially worried about it)
Donald Rumpelstiltskin (not your basic fairy tale ending)
Eleanor Clifthanger ("the suspense is killing me!"/murder she wrote)
Eliot Spritzer (looks for chicks in hotel lobby bar)
HairyYet Mired (wanabee judge bogged down in own goth-thick eyelashes 'n' gobs o' mascara)
Hilarious ClinTuff (two personality aspects she's trying to showcase)
JennaRation Books (a long war, and a short read)
John McLaugh-In (his show, at times, is slapstick comedy)
Larry Craig's List (where he could take out an ad telling everybody "I'm not gay!")
Mike HuckleBe (Huck Finn's populism) or HugaBee (ouch!)
Nancy Pirogi or Pilati (she's bi-coastal, if not bipartisan)
Ralph Nadir (at voting-time a regular bottom-feeder)
Raw Sparrow (his beak-like nose, and lack of city-slicker polish)
Rudy Vigilante (his prosecutorial experience) or Rudy Can't Fail (a song by the Clash)
Rush Lip Bra (he could use a little factual support--say a D-cup) or Limbo (trying to do it)
Sarah Palindrome/Pale and Droned/Pallid Drone (in a manner of speaking); or Sarah Impalin'/Impale 'em (she's a hunter not a gatherer, with her crossbow)
Tim Russet (his round, reddish-orange face--like a pumpkin-head, or a big apple)
Tom Rain Delay (the equivalent of a filibuster)
Tony SnowJob ("hey, y'all, I'm just doing my job up here...")
Valerie Flame (she could've gotten fired when her cover got blown)
SINGERS
Amy Henhouse (a real hot mess)
Atlantis Morrisette (she usually sounds depressed, forlorn, abandoned like the lost continent)
Barry Man-at-Large (cops have CD evidence of him murdering pop music hits by the decade)
Bed Bath & Beyonce (she's got it all)
Britney Smears (she treats the pap-arazzi like they're gynecologists)
Hillary MacDuff (there must be something Shakesperean about her)
Huey Newton and the Loos or Huey Knew Us in the Loo (a little invasive British humor)
Jessica Dim Sum (let's see if she can figure it out)
Jonah's Brothers (Bible thumpers swallow their pride)
Just in Time for Dinner (he's on the go) or Tamberlaine (if you want to dress like an emperor)
Kevin Fed a Line (he can't memorize 'em) or Snort a Line (he's always just about to blow up)
Lance C. Bass Guitar (has fish-eyes); or Lance Bass Guitar (wishes he played an instrument)
Mariah's Scary (if she went Gothic, complete with fangs, it'd be a great departure)
Mel B.-List (dancing with the "stars")
Mick Jaguar (one fierce cat)
Miley Cyprus (why just be a state when you can be an entire country); or Mile 'o' Mint Cyrus (she's a goldmine); or Miley Sea Wolf (something wet & wild about her); or Miley Virus (popping up all over like a pandemic outbreak)
Natasha PettingZoo (G-rated, or R between-lines)
Nick Latchkey (you kind of want to feel sorry for the kid)
Victoria Bedlam(b) (like the month of March--in/out)
Whitney, Who's Stoned? (a rhetorical question)
"SINGING" "TALENT" SHOW AMERICAN I DULL
Antonella BaR bra (R-rated material getting turned into PG)
Bo Bison (a heavy metal band goes off-road out on the prairie, finds they're running with 'em)
Fantasia Burrito (a great name for a Mexican restaurant--if you can read it)
Jazz Mum Triage (a softly singing ER nurse a la "killing me softly with...song")
Kerry Underworld (she's a bit of a torch singer so could be the devil's better half in a duet/if she made a pact/she's so hot)
Ryan SheQuest (not that he wants one but rather he wants to be one)
Simon Scowl (it's more natural, less forced than his smile) or Cowrie (stuck in his shell)
Taylor Higgs Boson (he bounces around like something shot out of a particle accelerator)
SIT-COM STARS, COMEDIANS
Carol Burn At the Stake (that flaming red hair!)
Drew Caries ("what percentage of Americans know that caries is a dental term for cavities?")
Gary ColeSlaw (always comes in those itty bitty portions)
Herman Muenster (cheesey guy, with a wedge-shaped head a la Green Bay football fans)
Jerry's Stein's Filled (he's had it up to here/when you're drunk, anything can seem funny)
James Vader (the killer attorney with ice in his veins and a definite dark side)
Jane KrackHouseKey--(she looks high all the time)
Jerry's Stein's Filled (he's had it up to here/hey, when you're drunk, anything can seem funny) or Kelsey Grammar School/Kelsey GramHair (his characters tend to act like big babies--and have as much hair)
Martin Short Pants (lovable loser, like the Trinidadian calypso singer)
Roseanne Barf (as crude as she can be)
Sarah Silverdome (it doesn't make any sense--like her, or not)
Tina Fey (if she suddenly started babbling, or, isn't that kind of, like, how she talks all the time)
Whoopey GoldBerg (think Titanic filmed as a dark comedy)
SPORTS (Players & Broadcasters)
Albert Pool Halls (he hustles on every play)
Barry US Bonds (popular out on the road singing--"Rte.66"--but only at home when swinging)
Cal RIP Tide (still waters run deep)
Charles Bar-Kays (he'd make a good front man for the vintage funk band); or Charles BarCode--he's a big spender.
John Mammoth (he's about as big as one, and you won't find either on an airplane)
Mark Phillip Sousa (the Australian tennis star in search of an American girlfriend)
Michelle Wee (she's like Alice in Wonderland out there on the golf course lately)
Marco/Morocco Meteorite--shooting star.
O Scare de Latoya (the prizefighter going on a gender-bender: real or photo-shopped?)
PayTon's Mannequins (he's got so many commercial deals he can't do them all himself)
The Stupor Bowl (you've got to be drunk to watch it all 'cus it's usually over at halftime)
Tiger Would (and plenty of you would have, too, if you were in his shoes)
Venus Wilhelmina (she's so into fashion)
"SPORTS"--POKER PLAYERS
All-in CunningHaM or All In Mia Ham
Dale Bunson Burner (precision alchemy)
Howard Letter Opener or Howard--Let Her Open It (he'd stab you in the back)
Jennifer Harmonics(as in the New Age "harmonic convergence", with musical over/undertones)
Mike Mad As Hell (and he's not taking it anymore)
Patrick Polonius--ShakesPearean
Phil Heimlich Maneuver (somebody at the table is choking)
Phil I.V. (a hospital vampire, or the king of France from1285 to 1314 A.D.)
TV DRAMA/REALITY
Carmen Electrode (shock treatment from a beautiful lifeguard)
Carrie Ann Pearl Harbor--tango alpha bravo charlie
Fear Factory (the show's fascination w/remote industrial sites--look out!)
Gordon Ramses (testosterone branding kitchen king)
Gray's Anemone (a lot of tentacles reaching out)
Hayden Planetarium (she's pretty well-rounded)
Heather Millstone (what she was--around Paul's wallet, anyway)
Heidi Plume (wispy)
Kelly Monocle (soaps could use a super-sleuth to tie up some of those persistent loose ends)
Kim CardAssian (a Trekkie with a big following behind her)
Kirstie Dark Alley (you'd hate to run into her there)
Moon BloodGood (the actual name of the time traveler--a vampyress crossed with a she-wolf)
Nickelodeon Sushi (she's like a kid in an upscale candy store)
Pamela Neanderson (the guys she marries tend to be a bit cave-mannish)
Paris Hilltop (guys like to park there with her)
Rich Or Rancid (for the entrepreneurial, money changes everything)
Sarah Jessica Barker (Bow Wow!!)
TV TALK PERSONALITIES:
Al Roquefort (in good taste, and a bit cheesey)
Arsenio Hall Monitor (a scary sight for mischievous kids)
Barbara Walrus (there's something majestic about the way she tilts her head...)
Bryant Gumblow (just perm your hair, don a suit coat & tie, get a big wad of gum and act silly)
Carson Monthly (that's about how often most people watch his show)
Conehead O'Brine Shrimp (their tails mimic his wavy orange hair)
Craig Fergusonofabitch (what Prince Charles calls him)
Craig Stillborn (his show was DOA)
Dan Druthers (if he' had his druthers, we'd be in a rather different place)
David Lettucehead (a scarecrow with a head of lettuce--dude, what were you thinking?)
Diane/Leslie Saw Ya (a la Texas Chainsaw--don't mess with Texas)
Elizabeth Has To Bitch (she just has to--she doesn't know any other way)
Ellen Degenerates (she dances like an ape)
Katie Curate (she's so wholesome) or Curad (bandaged head to foot--reading the news)
Kelly RIP C(h)ord (feels vertigo, thinks "rip cord", reaches over 'n' slashes at Regis' throat)
Martha's Steward(1st her jailkeeper, then parole officer so she can go places like her Vineyard)
Mad Plower (where the heck is he? Oh no, he's coming right at us with a snow plow!)
Oprah Wince Streak (audience reaction if she took her clothes off and ran around the stage)
Rachael Wraith (ghost of meals past--an upset stomach; or the man-eaters of TV Stargate series)
Rosie O'Grady (she belongs in a rowdy Irish pub)
Tiara Banks (she's so exotic) or Tyrannosaurus Banks (fiercely flashing teeth, & all legs)
Walter Conn Smyth (award-winning journalist for giving us the cold, hard facts)
TALK RADIO (NOT POLITICAL)/VARIETY
Garrison Keel Over (sounds like he's been drinking)
George Norway/Noriega ( if the Coast-to-Coast host's voiced stretched North-to-South)
Howard Sternum (where you'd like to punch him)
Ian Pundit (he is what he is)
Linda Molting Owl (intrepid researcher into the moonlit world of the paranormal)
YESTERDAY'S NEWS, BUT COULD RESURFACE
Alien Gonzalez (the child refugee who got sent back--to outer space)
John Marked Card (he deceived everybody about role in JonBenet case)
Natalie Hauled Away (what may have happened to her in Aruba)
*Some celebrities have been active in multiple fields. They are generally listed in the field they've been most prominent in.
Steven (Starjet) Kearney
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