Businesses that want to be allowed not to serve gays should simply be required to post this policy somewhere prominently so that anyone patronizing them could tell what upstanding bigots they are.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Thursday, October 17, 2013
WASHINGTON REDSKINS NAME CONTROVERSY
People are clamoring for the scalp of the Washington football Redskins. They want the “Redskins” to cease being the “Redskins“ They want to change the team’s identity!
It’s because everyone thinks that “Redskins” is a derogatory racial slur referring to skin color and bigotry. But actually, “Redskins” refers to the color of paint that certain Indians located in what is now Newfoundland used to paint their bodies--it was red. It’s as simple as that!
This red color would be flashing quite boldly during wartime, giving them a spectacular aura! Settlers called this particular Indian tribe--the Beothuk--“Red Indians” for the lavish body painting. As that noble tribe is now extinct, sports teams such as the Washington football Redskins may be seen as doing honor to the Beothuk--preserving their memory!
When that National Football League (NFL) franchise in the 1930’s, then in Boston, took the name “Redsins”, it’s likely that the impression they wanted to make was one of toughness and prowess on the field of battle. Note the prominent use over the years of a spear in the team’s logos and on their helmets--hardly pejorative!
Back in the day, it wouldn’t have made sense to call a particular tribe the “Red Indians” if all Indians were already considered “red.” It would have been redundant. In fact, all Indians weren’t as a rule referred to as “red” or “redskin” or “red anything”. That’s more recent.
In lieu of name-changing, the Redskins could be encouraged to refine their image by making the Indian’s appearance on the team logo more realistic--a lighter skin tone matching that (estimated) of the Beothuk Indians, and highlights of a bright brilliant red pigment applied as best as we can tell they did.
Proud Redskins owner Dan Snyder can say it was all one big misunderstanding. Problem solved. Game Over. Now if winning some real games was as easy!
Sources:
The Quebec History Encyclopedia
The Smithsonian Book of North American Indians
Wikipedia--Washington Redskins
It’s because everyone thinks that “Redskins” is a derogatory racial slur referring to skin color and bigotry. But actually, “Redskins” refers to the color of paint that certain Indians located in what is now Newfoundland used to paint their bodies--it was red. It’s as simple as that!
This red color would be flashing quite boldly during wartime, giving them a spectacular aura! Settlers called this particular Indian tribe--the Beothuk--“Red Indians” for the lavish body painting. As that noble tribe is now extinct, sports teams such as the Washington football Redskins may be seen as doing honor to the Beothuk--preserving their memory!
When that National Football League (NFL) franchise in the 1930’s, then in Boston, took the name “Redsins”, it’s likely that the impression they wanted to make was one of toughness and prowess on the field of battle. Note the prominent use over the years of a spear in the team’s logos and on their helmets--hardly pejorative!
Back in the day, it wouldn’t have made sense to call a particular tribe the “Red Indians” if all Indians were already considered “red.” It would have been redundant. In fact, all Indians weren’t as a rule referred to as “red” or “redskin” or “red anything”. That’s more recent.
In lieu of name-changing, the Redskins could be encouraged to refine their image by making the Indian’s appearance on the team logo more realistic--a lighter skin tone matching that (estimated) of the Beothuk Indians, and highlights of a bright brilliant red pigment applied as best as we can tell they did.
Proud Redskins owner Dan Snyder can say it was all one big misunderstanding. Problem solved. Game Over. Now if winning some real games was as easy!
Sources:
The Quebec History Encyclopedia
The Smithsonian Book of North American Indians
Wikipedia--Washington Redskins
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
THE FUGITIVE
We deserve a logical explanation for why tracking dogs weren’t brought in during the wee hours of Friday morning to capture Boston marathon bomber suspect #2 who had escaped afoot there in Watertown.
One can think of some possible answers. Maybe they figured he’d bleed to death from the wounds he’d gottern in the preceding gunfight. So they’d be able to just go out there in the morning and pick up a corpse. But they didn’t know if he’d had first aid training, and besides, they wanted him alive to find out about his links.
Maybe they just didn’t think using dogs would work due to some specific aspect of this situation. Oh yeah, like what? This seemed like a perfect opportunity to turn the hounds loose.
They didn’t want to risk the lives of the handlers and the dogs. This suspect was armed and dangerous. Well, isn’t that often the case with men on the run? They could’ve sent a well-armed posse along with the tracking dog(s).
Until we get something credible from the authorities, we’ll just have to consider other sources.
Here, then, are some possible conspiracy theory explanations for the no-tracking-dogs faux pas/gaffe/overlook/oversight.
The authorities don’t want us to defer to animal intelligence, as it could lead to us realizing how stupid humans are. Dogs, for example, have much better sense of smell and hearing than humans, along with by and large having more endearing personalities.
The dog(s) who track down this suspect would become attain overnight celebrity status--which current celebrities wouldn’t want as they’re all the jealous type.
The TV networks and their sponsors didn’t want to slay the goose that laid the golden egg.. TV ratings were sky high during the search for the suspects--it was like OJ Part 2.
The military industrial complex, which includes homeland security, wants us to be impressed with its fancy gadgetry --night vision goggles , armored suits, helicopters, video surveillance, etc. Training a dog and executing a canine search don’t require a lot of expensive technology.
Idea for cartoon
An elderly woman is answering the doorbell. At the door are several heavily armed swat team types. To the one in charge, holding up a photo, she says “Oh yes officer, he’s upstairs napping. He asked to rent a room for a couple of weeks while he sorted some things out. Nice young fella!”
Addendum: I’ve figured it out. The authorities thought about sending the dogs out but concluded that the risk level to the dogs and any accompanying handler was too great given the suspects’ evident indifference to life and the possible possession of more bombs--as had been thrown at the cops that night. Besides, who could say that the suspect didn’t have the ability to place a land mine? And not knowing where the blood trail ends until it ends somewhere out there in the darkness could have jeopardized their lives in one last firefight, as he might see/hear them coming.
In other words, the authorities likely figured that they pretty much had the suspect pinned down by closing off roads in the area. So they probably just decided to call it a night and pick up the chase in the morning, deeming the suspect not likely to be an immediate threat overnight as long as everyone stayed inside.
Monday, April 1, 2013
THE FLIPSIDE OF GREAT QUOTATIONS THROUGHOUT HISTORY
Using the other f-word (the PG one) to put a goofy spin on language--appropriate for April Foolsters. Call it letting the air out of the tires of tired and pompous speech.
According to most of the top sources generated by search engine Google, the term “fart”--rather than being considered slang or obscene or coarse and vulgar speech--is held up as model of polite society language usage.
If some highly esteemed person--like the pope, the queen, the president were to say it at a public function, there’d be more tittering than outrage.
However, a close analysis of the situation reveals a potential conspiracy by historians and whatnot to cover up the use of this, the ‘other” f-word in literature and the public record of the day as it gets passed down through the generations. It is hoped that deep thinkers will recognize many hidden meanings in these alternative offerings.
So, forthwith, with no more much ados about it, here’s a listing of Famous Historic Quotes-- Unrevised Versions (What they Actually Might Have Said If There Subsequently was a Concerted Effort to Suppress Fart Speech).
I came I saw I farted.
How long to the fart of no return?
To fart or not to fart--that is the question.
All fart one, and one fart all!
Don’t bite off more than you can fart.
Two farts are better than one.
Follow the yellow-brick fart.
The fart in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
The rain in Spain farts mainly on the plane.
A fart, a fart, my kingdom for a fart!
Is a fart still a fart if it has no thorns?
A fart by any other name is still a fart.
If a tree farts in the forest and nobody’s around, does it make a sound?
Speak softly and carry a big fart.
A fart in time saves nine.
He who farts last farts best.
The British are farting! The Britishh are farting!
Is this the fart that launched a thousand ships?
I fart, therefore am.
These are the farts that try men’s souls!
That’s putting the fart before the horse!
UFA! UFA! UFA!
He’s got the fart of a champion!
If man were meant to fart he’d have wings!
A fart, a fart--my kingdom for a fart!
Other Stuff
The San Francisco Farty-niners’ Vaunted Air Attack
Bret Fart Ends Retirement Again.
The site of Custer’s last fart
The Fart Nouveau Movement
The Signing of the Magna Farta
Graduated Magna Cum Farty
The Endangered Farts Act
No Farting Zone
Handicapped Farting Only
When E.F. Hutton farts, people listen.
According to most of the top sources generated by search engine Google, the term “fart”--rather than being considered slang or obscene or coarse and vulgar speech--is held up as model of polite society language usage.
If some highly esteemed person--like the pope, the queen, the president were to say it at a public function, there’d be more tittering than outrage.
However, a close analysis of the situation reveals a potential conspiracy by historians and whatnot to cover up the use of this, the ‘other” f-word in literature and the public record of the day as it gets passed down through the generations. It is hoped that deep thinkers will recognize many hidden meanings in these alternative offerings.
So, forthwith, with no more much ados about it, here’s a listing of Famous Historic Quotes-- Unrevised Versions (What they Actually Might Have Said If There Subsequently was a Concerted Effort to Suppress Fart Speech).
I came I saw I farted.
How long to the fart of no return?
To fart or not to fart--that is the question.
All fart one, and one fart all!
Don’t bite off more than you can fart.
Two farts are better than one.
Follow the yellow-brick fart.
The fart in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
The rain in Spain farts mainly on the plane.
A fart, a fart, my kingdom for a fart!
Is a fart still a fart if it has no thorns?
A fart by any other name is still a fart.
If a tree farts in the forest and nobody’s around, does it make a sound?
Speak softly and carry a big fart.
A fart in time saves nine.
He who farts last farts best.
The British are farting! The Britishh are farting!
Is this the fart that launched a thousand ships?
I fart, therefore am.
These are the farts that try men’s souls!
That’s putting the fart before the horse!
UFA! UFA! UFA!
He’s got the fart of a champion!
If man were meant to fart he’d have wings!
A fart, a fart--my kingdom for a fart!
Other Stuff
The San Francisco Farty-niners’ Vaunted Air Attack
Bret Fart Ends Retirement Again.
The site of Custer’s last fart
The Fart Nouveau Movement
The Signing of the Magna Farta
Graduated Magna Cum Farty
The Endangered Farts Act
No Farting Zone
Handicapped Farting Only
When E.F. Hutton farts, people listen.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
TEAM NICKNAME IDEAS
Here is a list of potential team nicknames I've come up with in my spare time. It's alphabetical--mostly cities, some states and regions. Feel free to use them in your hometown.
TEAM NICKNAMES
Aberdeen Barnstormers, Burdensome, Abracadabra
Akron Squadron, Acrobats, Acorns, Acrid
Albany Invaders, Banes
Albuquerque Altimeters, Armadillos, Turkeys
Anaheim Anacondas, Emeralds
Anchorage Anger, Aurora, Roarers, Courageous, Anchovies
Arlington Aardvarks, Accordions, Ardor, Harlequins, All-In-Ones
Asheville Phoenix, Duster Uppers
Atlanta Atlas, Ad Libbers, Antidote, Altimeters, Attitude, Elevators, Atlantians
Atlantic City High Rollers, Albatross, Atlas, Boardwalkers
Austin Power, Bats, Tin Men, Plenty
Baltimore Battalion, Bald Eagles, Tenors, Torreadors, Big Score, Baritones
Bangor Aurora Borealis, Bangers
Barre Chords, Berets
Baton Rouge Twirling Dervishes, Battering Rams
Billings Paid In Full
Biloxie Billy Clubs, Foxy
Birmingham Jackhammers, Battering Rams, Bird Baths, Porcine Dynasty
Boise Noisy, Joy Spree, Boisterous
Boston Tea Tossers, Bistros, Best Sellers, Bounty Hunters, Bosses, Bustier Busters
Boulder Tossers
Bowling Green Pin Strikers
Buffalo Blizzard, Big Herd, Baffling Barristers, Beefcake
Burlington Burly Bears, Burlesque
Butte Beautes, Brutes, Beauties, Buglers
California Caliente, Caldron
Calgary Kaleidoscope
Charleston Charleston, Tango
Charlotte Web, Charlatans, Charaders
Charlottesville Charlatans, Chanteuses
Chattanooga Choo Choos, Chatterboxes
Cheyenne Extroverts
Chicago Supercolliders, Chivalry, Chickadees, Chic, Go Getters
Cincinnati Synapses, Invincible, Slammers, Sine qua Nons, Sensationals
Cleveland Cliffhangers, Cloudbursts, Class Acts, Cliff Climbers, Leapers, Ringleaders
Columbus Landlubbers
Compton Copters
Concord Conquerors, Convoy, Conifers, Accordions,
Corpus Christi Cormorants
Dakota Decoders, Nova, Code Breakers
Dartmouth Bullseye
Dallas Malice, Dahlias, Vortex, Delight, Dazzlers, Dalmations
DC Go Go, Shredders, Policy, Diplomacy, Statesmen, Agenda, Nexus
DelMarVa Avocets, Dalmations, Marvels, Marvelous
Denver Moguls, Adrenaline, Dynamic
Des Plains Boss De Plane
Detroit Rhythm, Destroyers
Dover Dovetailers, Rovers, Plovers
Dumfries Dunbfounders
Dubuque Debutantes, Ubiquitous
Duluth Truth
Edmonton Edge, Eddy, Eddies
El Paso Elegance, Elvises, Pastels
Eugene Genies
Fairbanks Tellers, Snowbanks
Fargo Farmers, Detectives
Florence Nightingales, Florals
Fort Worth Mirth, Fortuitous, Forte, Enforcers
Fort Wayne Johns, Fortuitous, Forte
Freehold Freedom Fighters, Stranglehold
Fresno Frenzy, Frescoes
Garfield Gargoyle
Georgia Gorgeous, Gorgers, Peachy Keens, Gargoyles
Gothem Golem
Green Bay Grief Strickeners, Green Rays
Greenwich Mean Streak
Halifax Machines
Harlem Harbingers, Harlequins, Jazz
Hartford Hard Liners, Heart Breakers, HeartThrob
Haverford Havoc Wreakers
Helena Hook & Ladder
Harpers Ferry Harpsichords
Honolulu Bon Bons, Lunatics, Holiday, Hullaballoos, Honey Bees, Hip Huggers
Houston Who's Who
Indianapolis Invaders, Indubitable, Bonaparte Sleepwalkers
Iowa Primary, Eye Openers, Corn Stalkers
Jackson Five, Action
Jacksonville Jackpots, Jackhammers, Jackrabbits, Jack-Booted Thugs
Jersey Egress, Egrets,
Kansas City Twisters, Can Cans, Sassies
KC Oz
Kearn(e)y Carnival, Carnations
Las Vegas Dice, Aces, Vegans, Lounge Lizards, Flash, Lhasa Apsas, Glitz
LA Freeway, Glitz, Elegance
Little Rock Big Rollers
Lexington Elixir, Stretch Runnerts
Los Angeles Scene, Lhasa Apsas, "A" List, Bodacious
Louisville Lip Loops
Lynchburg Lynchpins
Macon Magnets
Madison Maximum, Dollies
Maine Domain
Manhattan Essence, Mad Hatters
Manitoba Minotaurs
Martha's Vineyard Designer Corkscrews
Massachusetts Mish Mashers, Masqueradors
Maryland Marionettes, Marigolds
Memphis Philosopher Kings, Emphasis, Tempo
Miami Might, Maelstrom, Coral Glories
Milwaukee Talkies, Milkmen
Minneapolis Maulers, Miniskirts, Squall, Man Hunt
Mobile Homes, Shields
Modesto Destroyers, Devastators, Mad Dogs
Montreal Monsters, Full Monty, For One and One For All
Nags Head Swell
Nantucket Gannets
Narragansett Gannets, Sonnets, Epic Sunsets, Dynamic
Nashville Elvises, Warblers
Nebraska Ascots
New Orleans Mardi, Jazz Jammers
New York Corks, Fashion, Cork Poppers, Intrigue
Niagara Falls Barrel Jumpers, Exhilaration
Norfolk Navigators
North Dakota Nova, Supernova
Northern Virginia Supernova, Virtuosos
Oakland Omen, Ogres, Okra, Auklet, There, Oaks
Oklahoma City Octave Jumpers, Locomotives
Orlando Orchestrators, Obliterators
Oswego Swagger
Ottawa Automatons
Philadelphia Freedom, Flavor, Phalaropes, Bell Ringers
Phoenix Fiends, Phoenix, Phoebes, Femme Fatales, Risers, Phalanx
Piedmont Pied Pipers
Pierre Fresh, Pirouetters
Pittsburgh Tar Babies, Hard Hats, Pastels, Posterior Kickers
Portland Portenders, Dock Sopranos
Powhatan Powerhouse
Quebec Caribou
Raleigh Rally
Reno Keno
Richmond Thunder
Rochester Bustiers, Rock Stars
Sacramento Soccer Moms
Saint Louis Sensationals, Sabertooths, Arch
Salt Lake City Taste Buds
San Andreas Fault Finders
San Antonio Sandstorms, Forget-Me-Nots
San Francisco Sirens, Romance, Frantic, Wiz Kids, Frescoes
San Diego Sanderlings, Sand Dollars, Sandpipers, Cinderellas, Serendipitous
Savannah Savants, Whites
Seattle Sea Breeze, Seafarers, Rattlers, Sirens
Shreveport Banshees
Silicon Valley Cyberboppers
Sioux City Somersaulters, Sunbeams
SoBe Its
SoHo Lofts
Spokane Exclamation
Springfield (VA) Ramps
Stamford Stompers
Tacoma Tachymeters, Berenices
Tallahassee Lassies
Tampa Lamprey, Vamps, Temper, Tantrum, Rampage
Teaneck Brunch Stranglers
Texas Vortex, Jet Setters, Extraordinaires, Vixen
Toledo Leaders
Toronto Torrent, Tarantulas, Tremendous, Ruddy Turnstones, Tormenters,
Trenton Trendsetters, Tremendous
Tuscon Saguaros, Sonnets, Tunes, Irony, Ironic
Tulsa Ultimate, Ultimas, Tusslers
Vancouver Vamps, Beaufort, Wood Carvers
Virginia Geniuses, Vireos, Avocets
Warrenton Warlords, Warlocks, Warblers
Washington Warblers, Will Imposers, Policy, Diplomacy, Statesmen, Flourish, Nexus
Waterloo Loons, Walruses, Lulus, Water Lilies, Lollipop Lickers, Waterloos
Wichita Wings, Wit Patrol, Wishbones
Wilmington Willets, Waders
Winnipeg Wigwams, Whimbrels
Team combos
Dallas Malice + Dahlias = Dahlmals
Fort Worth Fortuitous + Mirth = FunLucks
Georgia Gorgers + Georgeous = Hot 'n' Heavies
Indianapolis Napoleons + No Naps = Bonaparte Sleepwalkers
Minneapolis Maulers + Minis(kirts) = MiniMalls
New York Corks + Fashion = GlamBallers
Pierre Fresh + Pirouetters = Fresh Legs
San Diego Sand Dollars + Cinderellas = SlipStars
TEAM NICKNAMES
Aberdeen Barnstormers, Burdensome, Abracadabra
Akron Squadron, Acrobats, Acorns, Acrid
Albany Invaders, Banes
Albuquerque Altimeters, Armadillos, Turkeys
Anaheim Anacondas, Emeralds
Anchorage Anger, Aurora, Roarers, Courageous, Anchovies
Arlington Aardvarks, Accordions, Ardor, Harlequins, All-In-Ones
Asheville Phoenix, Duster Uppers
Atlanta Atlas, Ad Libbers, Antidote, Altimeters, Attitude, Elevators, Atlantians
Atlantic City High Rollers, Albatross, Atlas, Boardwalkers
Austin Power, Bats, Tin Men, Plenty
Baltimore Battalion, Bald Eagles, Tenors, Torreadors, Big Score, Baritones
Bangor Aurora Borealis, Bangers
Barre Chords, Berets
Baton Rouge Twirling Dervishes, Battering Rams
Billings Paid In Full
Biloxie Billy Clubs, Foxy
Birmingham Jackhammers, Battering Rams, Bird Baths, Porcine Dynasty
Boise Noisy, Joy Spree, Boisterous
Boston Tea Tossers, Bistros, Best Sellers, Bounty Hunters, Bosses, Bustier Busters
Boulder Tossers
Bowling Green Pin Strikers
Buffalo Blizzard, Big Herd, Baffling Barristers, Beefcake
Burlington Burly Bears, Burlesque
Butte Beautes, Brutes, Beauties, Buglers
California Caliente, Caldron
Calgary Kaleidoscope
Charleston Charleston, Tango
Charlotte Web, Charlatans, Charaders
Charlottesville Charlatans, Chanteuses
Chattanooga Choo Choos, Chatterboxes
Cheyenne Extroverts
Chicago Supercolliders, Chivalry, Chickadees, Chic, Go Getters
Cincinnati Synapses, Invincible, Slammers, Sine qua Nons, Sensationals
Cleveland Cliffhangers, Cloudbursts, Class Acts, Cliff Climbers, Leapers, Ringleaders
Columbus Landlubbers
Compton Copters
Concord Conquerors, Convoy, Conifers, Accordions,
Corpus Christi Cormorants
Dakota Decoders, Nova, Code Breakers
Dartmouth Bullseye
Dallas Malice, Dahlias, Vortex, Delight, Dazzlers, Dalmations
DC Go Go, Shredders, Policy, Diplomacy, Statesmen, Agenda, Nexus
DelMarVa Avocets, Dalmations, Marvels, Marvelous
Denver Moguls, Adrenaline, Dynamic
Des Plains Boss De Plane
Detroit Rhythm, Destroyers
Dover Dovetailers, Rovers, Plovers
Dumfries Dunbfounders
Dubuque Debutantes, Ubiquitous
Duluth Truth
Edmonton Edge, Eddy, Eddies
El Paso Elegance, Elvises, Pastels
Eugene Genies
Fairbanks Tellers, Snowbanks
Fargo Farmers, Detectives
Florence Nightingales, Florals
Fort Worth Mirth, Fortuitous, Forte, Enforcers
Fort Wayne Johns, Fortuitous, Forte
Freehold Freedom Fighters, Stranglehold
Fresno Frenzy, Frescoes
Garfield Gargoyle
Georgia Gorgeous, Gorgers, Peachy Keens, Gargoyles
Gothem Golem
Green Bay Grief Strickeners, Green Rays
Greenwich Mean Streak
Halifax Machines
Harlem Harbingers, Harlequins, Jazz
Hartford Hard Liners, Heart Breakers, HeartThrob
Haverford Havoc Wreakers
Helena Hook & Ladder
Harpers Ferry Harpsichords
Honolulu Bon Bons, Lunatics, Holiday, Hullaballoos, Honey Bees, Hip Huggers
Houston Who's Who
Indianapolis Invaders, Indubitable, Bonaparte Sleepwalkers
Iowa Primary, Eye Openers, Corn Stalkers
Jackson Five, Action
Jacksonville Jackpots, Jackhammers, Jackrabbits, Jack-Booted Thugs
Jersey Egress, Egrets,
Kansas City Twisters, Can Cans, Sassies
KC Oz
Kearn(e)y Carnival, Carnations
Las Vegas Dice, Aces, Vegans, Lounge Lizards, Flash, Lhasa Apsas, Glitz
LA Freeway, Glitz, Elegance
Little Rock Big Rollers
Lexington Elixir, Stretch Runnerts
Los Angeles Scene, Lhasa Apsas, "A" List, Bodacious
Louisville Lip Loops
Lynchburg Lynchpins
Macon Magnets
Madison Maximum, Dollies
Maine Domain
Manhattan Essence, Mad Hatters
Manitoba Minotaurs
Martha's Vineyard Designer Corkscrews
Massachusetts Mish Mashers, Masqueradors
Maryland Marionettes, Marigolds
Memphis Philosopher Kings, Emphasis, Tempo
Miami Might, Maelstrom, Coral Glories
Milwaukee Talkies, Milkmen
Minneapolis Maulers, Miniskirts, Squall, Man Hunt
Mobile Homes, Shields
Modesto Destroyers, Devastators, Mad Dogs
Montreal Monsters, Full Monty, For One and One For All
Nags Head Swell
Nantucket Gannets
Narragansett Gannets, Sonnets, Epic Sunsets, Dynamic
Nashville Elvises, Warblers
Nebraska Ascots
New Orleans Mardi, Jazz Jammers
New York Corks, Fashion, Cork Poppers, Intrigue
Niagara Falls Barrel Jumpers, Exhilaration
Norfolk Navigators
North Dakota Nova, Supernova
Northern Virginia Supernova, Virtuosos
Oakland Omen, Ogres, Okra, Auklet, There, Oaks
Oklahoma City Octave Jumpers, Locomotives
Orlando Orchestrators, Obliterators
Oswego Swagger
Ottawa Automatons
Philadelphia Freedom, Flavor, Phalaropes, Bell Ringers
Phoenix Fiends, Phoenix, Phoebes, Femme Fatales, Risers, Phalanx
Piedmont Pied Pipers
Pierre Fresh, Pirouetters
Pittsburgh Tar Babies, Hard Hats, Pastels, Posterior Kickers
Portland Portenders, Dock Sopranos
Powhatan Powerhouse
Quebec Caribou
Raleigh Rally
Reno Keno
Richmond Thunder
Rochester Bustiers, Rock Stars
Sacramento Soccer Moms
Saint Louis Sensationals, Sabertooths, Arch
Salt Lake City Taste Buds
San Andreas Fault Finders
San Antonio Sandstorms, Forget-Me-Nots
San Francisco Sirens, Romance, Frantic, Wiz Kids, Frescoes
San Diego Sanderlings, Sand Dollars, Sandpipers, Cinderellas, Serendipitous
Savannah Savants, Whites
Seattle Sea Breeze, Seafarers, Rattlers, Sirens
Shreveport Banshees
Silicon Valley Cyberboppers
Sioux City Somersaulters, Sunbeams
SoBe Its
SoHo Lofts
Spokane Exclamation
Springfield (VA) Ramps
Stamford Stompers
Tacoma Tachymeters, Berenices
Tallahassee Lassies
Tampa Lamprey, Vamps, Temper, Tantrum, Rampage
Teaneck Brunch Stranglers
Texas Vortex, Jet Setters, Extraordinaires, Vixen
Toledo Leaders
Toronto Torrent, Tarantulas, Tremendous, Ruddy Turnstones, Tormenters,
Trenton Trendsetters, Tremendous
Tuscon Saguaros, Sonnets, Tunes, Irony, Ironic
Tulsa Ultimate, Ultimas, Tusslers
Vancouver Vamps, Beaufort, Wood Carvers
Virginia Geniuses, Vireos, Avocets
Warrenton Warlords, Warlocks, Warblers
Washington Warblers, Will Imposers, Policy, Diplomacy, Statesmen, Flourish, Nexus
Waterloo Loons, Walruses, Lulus, Water Lilies, Lollipop Lickers, Waterloos
Wichita Wings, Wit Patrol, Wishbones
Wilmington Willets, Waders
Winnipeg Wigwams, Whimbrels
Team combos
Dallas Malice + Dahlias = Dahlmals
Fort Worth Fortuitous + Mirth = FunLucks
Georgia Gorgers + Georgeous = Hot 'n' Heavies
Indianapolis Napoleons + No Naps = Bonaparte Sleepwalkers
Minneapolis Maulers + Minis(kirts) = MiniMalls
New York Corks + Fashion = GlamBallers
Pierre Fresh + Pirouetters = Fresh Legs
San Diego Sand Dollars + Cinderellas = SlipStars
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Gift Ideas for One Who Has Everything
Beachfront property! The closer to the beach the better! Here's a nice one in the sand dunes of Cape Henlopen, Delaware.
Why get a yacht or a motorboat when you can get--a transoceanic vessel! The black ship here evidently gets around. Called the Pacific Clipper, it was photographed in Maine.
An antique car! Bonus brownie points if it's still drivable.
A French workhorse! Not as fast as a thoroughbred, but twice the size.
A trip to an exotic place like Egypt for a zany event like the World Arm Wrestling Tournament.
Like a modern-day de' Medici, hire a graffiti artist to paint a couple of walls in the recipient's honor.
A rocket! For the kid in everyone--for having a blast.
A bunch of kitchen sinks--or bathroom sinks (they're interchangeable for the well-heeled)--in honor of that old cliche about having "everything but the kitchen sink."
A large ornate antique hunk of junk to put out in their yard. Like this gorgeous old light fixture on the Columbia University campus.
A full-fledged sculpture park! Buy one like Storm King here in upstate New York. Dig a few dozen holes in the ground, throw some sand around and call it a golf course.
The Gateway Arch! For enough dough the government might be willing to part with the landmark. You'd probably need to disassemble it before shipping.
The Grand Canyon. The one who has everything can spread out his/her toys there.
For the environmentally inclined: a solution to a big problem, such as the runaway greenhouse effect.
A Stairway to Heaven. A fine gift for the religiously and/or musically inclined. Doubters can just try walking all the way up it and they'll find out soon enough.
Give 'em their own crater portrait on the Moon! It could help put them on the map for the space-faring sort of crowd.
Of course, if the One Who Has All behaved particularly badly, Santa's helpers can be recruited to deliver a big Charlie Brown Rock.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Celebrity Moon Faces & Multi-Galactic Leaves
Above video as discussed in the preceding and following blog entries.
Celebrity Moon Faces
Enormous strange portrait-like features have been spotted on the surface of the Moon using obscure NASA photographs from the 1960's (Figs. 7-4a-l).
A bearded Jesus, Marilyn Monroe ("Moonroe") wearing a top hat (like in her movie with that name), a stringy inside-out baseball face, a couple pairs of fish, and a caped devil with horns were among the first discovered.
The roster of famous figures seen depicted now includes such notables as Albert Einstein, John Lennon, Willie Nelson, Tom Selleck, Bill Clinton, Saddam Hussein, Adolph Hitler, Charles Chaplin and Babe Ruth. Also on display are the likenesses of Bozo the Clown, the cartoon character Shaggy, a goat boy and Pinocchio.
Furthermore, there are representations of a royal procession (including the British royal guard), a Star of David, an American Indian chief and an Egyptian sphinx. Animal sculptures such the fish, a dalmation, and a deer with antlers are also evident.
Though any of these could have been produced by natural means, it's also possible that they were designed by powerful extraterrestrial intelligent beings, such as the Wormhole Web Weavers, say, as a sort of art class project involving expression, of "native Earth culture” in a geological fashion. Their control over material things and the forces of Nature allows them to create immense and expressive works without
any difficulty or need for crude mechanical devices such as bulldozers and fork-lifts. Their work is virtually indistinguishable from natural forces.
Meet Me on the Moon, Marilyn
Nicknames for the sculptures include: the aforementioned Marilyn Moonroe, Magmoon P.I.(Selleck), and Albert Moonstein (Einstein).
It's possible that some of the moon faces are part of a publicity stunt by time traveling moviemakers who used actors from different periods together--for example Tom Selleck and Marilyn Monroe in a James Bond-style thriller with a title like Double-Platinum Blonde. Some DPB scenes may have been set on the Moon--and even shot there. The rock faces might perform a function somewhat similar to those building-sized billboard advertisements that are common today in places like NYC and LA.
What is truly astonishing is the life-likeness, complexity and richness of the sculptural works. They are in another league from the so-called “face on Mars” (planet #4), which is, by comparison, rather generic and poker-faced--more like a nickel-and-dime-store mask. The faces and figures on the Moon are demonstrable evidence of beings capable of controlling the trajectory and impact of asteroids, meteors and comets, as well as having a profound understanding of human facial dynamics.
These marvelous artworks are site-specific, and so are intended to be seen in their natural setting. Naturally, the appearance of any stationary, sunlit sculpture from a distance will vary depending on the time of (lunar) day--angles and shadows. Nonetheless, as there has been precious little geological or orbital change with the Moon in the few decades since these photos were taken, nor any weathering phenomena such as high winds or rain, they should be repeatable by 21st century lunar orbiters' cameras in the right place at the right time(s).
The above is excerpted from the Steve Kearney book Cosmic Web. It's available on Amazon Kindlle (including Kindle for PC).
Friday, January 7, 2011
Desert Island Art
Steve Kearney's list of top 10 artists whose works he'd take to a desert island:
10) Paul Cezanne ( because I'm "not in Paris anymore")
9) Dan Flavin (so I'll at least have some artificial lighting)
8) George Bellows (since there's no TV to watch the fights on)
7) Mark Rothko or Ad Reinhardt (in case there are no blank canvases I can use theirs)
6) John Chamberlain (gives me a source of scrap metal to build something)
5) Georgia O'Keefe (to feel at-home on a desert island)
4) Frank Stella (when something goes wrong I can sarcastically cry out "oh well that's just stellar!"--in my best NY accent)
3) Eric Fischl (so when something goes right I can exult "It's a Fishl!" (i.e. "official"))
2) Paul Gauguin (if I find a genie there I could point to these and wish for an island upgrade)
1) Michelangelo (so I can have a roof over my head)
10) Paul Cezanne ( because I'm "not in Paris anymore")
9) Dan Flavin (so I'll at least have some artificial lighting)
8) George Bellows (since there's no TV to watch the fights on)
7) Mark Rothko or Ad Reinhardt (in case there are no blank canvases I can use theirs)
6) John Chamberlain (gives me a source of scrap metal to build something)
5) Georgia O'Keefe (to feel at-home on a desert island)
4) Frank Stella (when something goes wrong I can sarcastically cry out "oh well that's just stellar!"--in my best NY accent)
3) Eric Fischl (so when something goes right I can exult "It's a Fishl!" (i.e. "official"))
2) Paul Gauguin (if I find a genie there I could point to these and wish for an island upgrade)
1) Michelangelo (so I can have a roof over my head)
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Bad Names for Cars (that sound good until you consider what they mean:
Miasma Fiasco Entropy
Cretin Crony Craven
Mirage Enigma Phantom
Forerunner Penultimate Vacillator
Delilah Jeremiad Pariah
Sundry Desultory Slacker
Novice Dilettante Tyro
Angina Atrophy Aphasia
Edema Vapid Exiguous
Cretin Crony Craven
Mirage Enigma Phantom
Forerunner Penultimate Vacillator
Delilah Jeremiad Pariah
Sundry Desultory Slacker
Novice Dilettante Tyro
Angina Atrophy Aphasia
Edema Vapid Exiguous
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
"Gay-isms"
In recognition of Gay Awareness month, here are some proposed "GAY-ISMS"
SUPERLATIVES
That's remarkgayble!
How fabgaylous!
Simply spectacgaylar!
You're ungaylievable!
DRAMA QUEENS
"To gay or not to gay...."
"all for gay and gay for all"
GAY SOCIETY
they're gayting
how fascigating
he's a gayonnaire
Grand Gayman Island
your luckgay day
they're engayged
a party invigaytion
a big celegaytion
a gayted community
"way to gay"
adopting a gayby
found on e-gay
take a vagaytion
happy holigays
JOHN LAW NEWS
on the Togay Show
the instigaytor
esgayped from prison
chase on the expressgay
armed and gayngerous
you can gayggle him
under investigaytion
MISCELLGAYNEOUS
you're exaggergayting
are you OGay?
oh it's all gay, it's all gay!
United States of Amerigay
yestergay's news
gay-tech
a gaynabler
a false gaylarm
SUPERLATIVES
That's remarkgayble!
How fabgaylous!
Simply spectacgaylar!
You're ungaylievable!
DRAMA QUEENS
"To gay or not to gay...."
"all for gay and gay for all"
GAY SOCIETY
they're gayting
how fascigating
he's a gayonnaire
Grand Gayman Island
your luckgay day
they're engayged
a party invigaytion
a big celegaytion
a gayted community
"way to gay"
adopting a gayby
found on e-gay
take a vagaytion
happy holigays
JOHN LAW NEWS
on the Togay Show
the instigaytor
esgayped from prison
chase on the expressgay
armed and gayngerous
you can gayggle him
under investigaytion
MISCELLGAYNEOUS
you're exaggergayting
are you OGay?
oh it's all gay, it's all gay!
United States of Amerigay
yestergay's news
gay-tech
a gaynabler
a false gaylarm
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Soccer's Scoring Drought: Analysis and Suggested Remedies
With nearly all the teams having played their opening match, it's already clear that the lack of scoring in World Cup soccer has gotten absurd. To illustrate, through the first 14 games in South Africa:
Teams are scoring on average less than a goal per game--.8 of a goal;
In 9 of the 14 games--64%--at least one of the teams failed to score;
In 10 of the 14 games--71%--neither team scored more than 1 goal;
In 12 of the 14 games--86%--no more than 2 total goals were scored by both teams combined;
Only one of the first 28 teams to play scored more than 2 goals in their first game (Germany got 4);
6 games, that's 43%, were ties;
Goal-scoring has become so rare that fluke goals--such as the English goalkeepers fumble and the Danish wrong-way ricochet header--are decisive;
The crowds have so little to cheer about that they resort to blowing on deafening horns en masse to entertain themselves;
The International Soccer Federation (FIFA) is reportedly considering enlarging the goal to boost scoring. However, such a move could have negative repercussions on how the game is played. And it would compel millions of people to redo or replace their goal structures.
There are other ways to make it easier to score. Taking a cue from thoroughbred racing/exercise programs, officials could "handicap" the goalies by fitting them with ankle weights. Or they could enforce penalties by making the goalie wear a patch over one eye or tying one hand behind his/her back. A really heinous violation might be punished by strapping the offending player ball & chain-style to the goalie. While these scenarios may sound like torture, sitting through a typical soccer game today is already a torturous experience for many.
Reference
Increasing Soccer Goal Size is Questionable!!! (website).
Steven (Starjet) Kearney
Teams are scoring on average less than a goal per game--.8 of a goal;
In 9 of the 14 games--64%--at least one of the teams failed to score;
In 10 of the 14 games--71%--neither team scored more than 1 goal;
In 12 of the 14 games--86%--no more than 2 total goals were scored by both teams combined;
Only one of the first 28 teams to play scored more than 2 goals in their first game (Germany got 4);
6 games, that's 43%, were ties;
Goal-scoring has become so rare that fluke goals--such as the English goalkeepers fumble and the Danish wrong-way ricochet header--are decisive;
The crowds have so little to cheer about that they resort to blowing on deafening horns en masse to entertain themselves;
The International Soccer Federation (FIFA) is reportedly considering enlarging the goal to boost scoring. However, such a move could have negative repercussions on how the game is played. And it would compel millions of people to redo or replace their goal structures.
There are other ways to make it easier to score. Taking a cue from thoroughbred racing/exercise programs, officials could "handicap" the goalies by fitting them with ankle weights. Or they could enforce penalties by making the goalie wear a patch over one eye or tying one hand behind his/her back. A really heinous violation might be punished by strapping the offending player ball & chain-style to the goalie. While these scenarios may sound like torture, sitting through a typical soccer game today is already a torturous experience for many.
Reference
Increasing Soccer Goal Size is Questionable!!! (website).
Steven (Starjet) Kearney
Friday, June 11, 2010
World Cup Soccer: US Hopes to Tar and Feather British
Dunce Cap Fits BP Well
The huge Dunce Cap placed over the erupting BP (aka British Petroleum) oil well in the Gulf of Mexico has been partially successful. The Dunce Cap is a better fit than anything else BP has tried. That said, the wound is still hemorrhaging.
Enter: World Cup Soccer--US Hopes to Tar and Feather the British in Showdown Saturday.
The British are heavy favorites, having more internationally experienced players. But the Americans have youth and enthusiasm on their side.
The US also has a history of surprising victories over the Redcoats--such as the stunning 1950 win by a score of 1-0.
On top of that, the US will be playing with the anger of a nation behind them. This, of course, is because of the tremendous devastation wreaked on the US Gulf Coast this spring by British Petroleum's massive Oil Spill.
A US soccer fan says he hopes "that when the American players hit the field they'll run circles around the Brits--make 'em look like they're mired in muck, like all those pelicans of ours."
One fan says that if any other country had spewed-out all of that oil, many Americans would consider it an act of war or terrorism. But this Euro-trashing of the Gulf Coast has been gotten away with. The perpetrators are predominantly White and English-speaking, not like your typical profiled enemy or terrorist.
A fan of the American Tea Party agreed that it would be fun to see the British humiliated in a Revolutionary victory. "People might think that we'd be pro-water-fouling, given our history, but actually we're more pro-waterfowl. The Audubon Society has some very influential chapters in Massachusetts."
Sarah Palin is rumored to have quipped that if she'd ever caught Vladimir Putin drilling for oil off the Alaska Coast, she'd have shot him in the buttocks with a crossbow.
Afterwords
How it turned out: 1-1 tie--a "moral victory" for the USofAers. The most likely tar & feathering would have been by British fans of their owngoalie who let an easy shot get by him.
BP Followup
A BP robot has evidently knocked the Dunce Cap off the well head! The company's CEO could not be reached for comment as he was busy unwinding from a nerve-wracking yacht race over the weekend. A BP spokesman said they'd likely try to put the Dunce Cap back on. It was unclear whether the robot, which reportedly had said "Woops, my bad!" would be asked to play any role in the retrofitting.
The huge Dunce Cap placed over the erupting BP (aka British Petroleum) oil well in the Gulf of Mexico has been partially successful. The Dunce Cap is a better fit than anything else BP has tried. That said, the wound is still hemorrhaging.
Enter: World Cup Soccer--US Hopes to Tar and Feather the British in Showdown Saturday.
The British are heavy favorites, having more internationally experienced players. But the Americans have youth and enthusiasm on their side.
The US also has a history of surprising victories over the Redcoats--such as the stunning 1950 win by a score of 1-0.
On top of that, the US will be playing with the anger of a nation behind them. This, of course, is because of the tremendous devastation wreaked on the US Gulf Coast this spring by British Petroleum's massive Oil Spill.
A US soccer fan says he hopes "that when the American players hit the field they'll run circles around the Brits--make 'em look like they're mired in muck, like all those pelicans of ours."
One fan says that if any other country had spewed-out all of that oil, many Americans would consider it an act of war or terrorism. But this Euro-trashing of the Gulf Coast has been gotten away with. The perpetrators are predominantly White and English-speaking, not like your typical profiled enemy or terrorist.
A fan of the American Tea Party agreed that it would be fun to see the British humiliated in a Revolutionary victory. "People might think that we'd be pro-water-fouling, given our history, but actually we're more pro-waterfowl. The Audubon Society has some very influential chapters in Massachusetts."
Sarah Palin is rumored to have quipped that if she'd ever caught Vladimir Putin drilling for oil off the Alaska Coast, she'd have shot him in the buttocks with a crossbow.
Afterwords
How it turned out: 1-1 tie--a "moral victory" for the USofAers. The most likely tar & feathering would have been by British fans of their owngoalie who let an easy shot get by him.
BP Followup
A BP robot has evidently knocked the Dunce Cap off the well head! The company's CEO could not be reached for comment as he was busy unwinding from a nerve-wracking yacht race over the weekend. A BP spokesman said they'd likely try to put the Dunce Cap back on. It was unclear whether the robot, which reportedly had said "Woops, my bad!" would be asked to play any role in the retrofitting.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Name That Horse
Since we haven't had a Triple Crown winner in 32 years, a lot of horseracing people are looking to change something. Take a look at the names of the 11 horses who have won a Triple Crown, and you'll see assertiveness, strength and triumph. Names like Gallant Fox, War Admiral, Assault, Secretariat, Seattle Slew and Affirmed.
Now we've got horses running around with names like "dude this' and "dude that". If Seattle Slew had been called Seattle Slaw, he might not have gotten as much respect. Ditto if Affirmed had been named Denied. Look at two of the last three horses to get to the Belmont Stakes with a chance for a triple crown: Funny Cide and Smarty Jones. You've got to be kidding!
Here are some good names for horses:
Get Bet Soon
Rainmaker
Morse Colt
Medicine Horse
Pole Star
Tonal Rail (has a nice ring to it)
Lustrous Finish
Wire to Wire
Record Setter
Go Figure Go (lineage of Go and Go)
Four Legs Good (from Orwell's Animal Farm)
Post Time Traveler
Surf In Turf (son of a mudder)
Bridle Wreath
Horse With A Name (ref. America song)
Runaway Charm (ref. my song)
ThoroughBroad (a filly)
Stretch Limo
by Steven (Starjet) Kearney
Now we've got horses running around with names like "dude this' and "dude that". If Seattle Slew had been called Seattle Slaw, he might not have gotten as much respect. Ditto if Affirmed had been named Denied. Look at two of the last three horses to get to the Belmont Stakes with a chance for a triple crown: Funny Cide and Smarty Jones. You've got to be kidding!
Here are some good names for horses:
Get Bet Soon
Rainmaker
Morse Colt
Medicine Horse
Pole Star
Tonal Rail (has a nice ring to it)
Lustrous Finish
Wire to Wire
Record Setter
Go Figure Go (lineage of Go and Go)
Four Legs Good (from Orwell's Animal Farm)
Post Time Traveler
Surf In Turf (son of a mudder)
Bridle Wreath
Horse With A Name (ref. America song)
Runaway Charm (ref. my song)
ThoroughBroad (a filly)
Stretch Limo
by Steven (Starjet) Kearney
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Celebrity Trainwreck Names
CELEBRITY TRAINWRECK NAMES (good ideas for Halloween costumes)
(in alphabetical order: by category*, and within each by first name)
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Eva LOgarithim (her Gabby is kinda complicated, or calculating)
Felicity Wolfman (her Lynette has an inner dark side that she just barely keeps repressed)
Macia Crossing Guard (her Bree wears orange while bossing everyone--especially her kids--around)
NicoLet's Share a Den (her Edie had a knack for unconventional living arrangements)
Teri Hatchet (she'd be a great heroine in a campy horror movie)
MOVIE STARS
Adam SandBar (he often seems drunk, or acting that way) or SandLot
Antonio BondAirbus (a role he's well-suited for--it'd fly!)
Ashley TentSale (compared with Van Hugs, she's probably a bargain now)
Camera On De Ass (you could make a movie of just that and guys would watch it)
Demi Monde (if the world were split in half would you be on her side? It's post-apocalyptic)
Drew Barleycorn (back-to-nature, crop cycle theme, also the Grim Reaper)
Dustin Hofstra (once a Graduate, always a Graduate--if you age well, or take Viagra)
Glenn Close Call (what she was in Fatal Attraction--a near miss)
Hillary Swank (I know it's her real name, but she'd probably look good in it)
Jack BlackOut (he's big enough to block out the Sun). or Blackhead (terrifying to teenagers)
Jamie Lee Kurdistan (sounds like a good name for her own yogurt brand--in the works)
Jessica Altar (where any single guy would be happy to take her)
Jon LoveIts Or LeaveIts (or leave it alone)
Kate Beck and Call (likes to play demanding roles) or Glockenspiel (has an appealing sound)
Kevin Bake-Off (he's down-home, yet competitive)
Lindsay Locust (she still acts like a 17-year-old--buzzing around), or LowRent (her movies never make any $)
Marilyn Moonroe (she was quite bewitching--like the pretty ones in Wiz of Oz)
Mel GibbStoned (what he was that wild night and what the media did to him afterwards)
Penultimate Cruise (she was the next-to-last woman Tom dated); or Penelope Cruz Control (wouldn't you like to take her for a ride?)
Pierce BroadBand (James Bond meets the Go Go Girls)
Salma Hijack (a female hijacker) or Lo-Jack (so no one can steal her away)
Seth Rogaine (he could use some)
Susan Saran Wrap (put on some red hair, dark glasses and wear something highly metallic)
Tom Cruiserweight (if he ever played a boxer, it couldn't be as a heavyweight)
Tom Handkerchiefs (his films tend to be sentimental)
Vanessa Huggies (a real babe/such a cute babyface!)
Will Feral (he's a wild & crazy guy)
Alec's Bald Twins (yeah, those two)
Zach F-stop (he's so photogenic)
POLITICS (Politicians and Political Journalists)
Al Goretex (a good fabric for changing climatic conditions)
Alan Green Hands (from counting all that money)
Albatross Gum Salad (the attorney general who wouldn't go away)
Almond In a Jam (more nuts than a fruitcake)
Ann Cold Cuts (sliced super thin) or Cold Turkey (an encounter with her is sobering)
Barack Odometer (so that his wife can keep tabs on him)
Carl Rogue (the master spinner has been known to "vogue")
Caspar Wine Cellar (the friendly ghost Wants You for a tour of his estate--bring a jacket)
CondoLizard RicePudding (she's all over the map--or is she?)
Dennis Has Dirt (he was, or should've been, kept informed of stuff)
Dennis Cooked Spinach (nobody's first choice...OK, maybe 1%)
Dick Ricochet-ney (he can't shoot straight, and isn't especially worried about it)
Donald Rumpelstiltskin (not your basic fairy tale ending)
Eleanor Clifthanger ("the suspense is killing me!"/murder she wrote)
Eliot Spritzer (looks for chicks in hotel lobby bar)
HairyYet Mired (wanabee judge bogged down in own goth-thick eyelashes 'n' gobs o' mascara)
Hilarious ClinTuff (two personality aspects she's trying to showcase)
JennaRation Books (a long war, and a short read)
John McLaugh-In (his show, at times, is slapstick comedy)
Larry Craig's List (where he could take out an ad telling everybody "I'm not gay!")
Mike HuckleBe (Huck Finn's populism) or HugaBee (ouch!)
Nancy Pirogi or Pilati (she's bi-coastal, if not bipartisan)
Ralph Nadir (at voting-time a regular bottom-feeder)
Raw Sparrow (his beak-like nose, and lack of city-slicker polish)
Rudy Vigilante (his prosecutorial experience) or Rudy Can't Fail (a song by the Clash)
Rush Lip Bra (he could use a little factual support--say a D-cup) or Limbo (trying to do it)
Sarah Palindrome/Pale and Droned/Pallid Drone (in a manner of speaking); or Sarah Impalin'/Impale 'em (she's a hunter not a gatherer, with her crossbow)
Tim Russet (his round, reddish-orange face--like a pumpkin-head, or a big apple)
Tom Rain Delay (the equivalent of a filibuster)
Tony SnowJob ("hey, y'all, I'm just doing my job up here...")
Valerie Flame (she could've gotten fired when her cover got blown)
SINGERS
Amy Henhouse (a real hot mess)
Atlantis Morrisette (she usually sounds depressed, forlorn, abandoned like the lost continent)
Barry Man-at-Large (cops have CD evidence of him murdering pop music hits by the decade)
Bed Bath & Beyonce (she's got it all)
Britney Smears (she treats the pap-arazzi like they're gynecologists)
Hillary MacDuff (there must be something Shakesperean about her)
Huey Newton and the Loos or Huey Knew Us in the Loo (a little invasive British humor)
Jessica Dim Sum (let's see if she can figure it out)
Jonah's Brothers (Bible thumpers swallow their pride)
Just in Time for Dinner (he's on the go) or Tamberlaine (if you want to dress like an emperor)
Kevin Fed a Line (he can't memorize 'em) or Snort a Line (he's always just about to blow up)
Lance C. Bass Guitar (has fish-eyes); or Lance Bass Guitar (wishes he played an instrument)
Mariah's Scary (if she went Gothic, complete with fangs, it'd be a great departure)
Mel B.-List (dancing with the "stars")
Mick Jaguar (one fierce cat)
Miley Cyprus (why just be a state when you can be an entire country); or Mile 'o' Mint Cyrus (she's a goldmine); or Miley Sea Wolf (something wet & wild about her); or Miley Virus (popping up all over like a pandemic outbreak)
Natasha PettingZoo (G-rated, or R between-lines)
Nick Latchkey (you kind of want to feel sorry for the kid)
Victoria Bedlam(b) (like the month of March--in/out)
Whitney, Who's Stoned? (a rhetorical question)
"SINGING" "TALENT" SHOW AMERICAN I DULL
Antonella BaR bra (R-rated material getting turned into PG)
Bo Bison (a heavy metal band goes off-road out on the prairie, finds they're running with 'em)
Fantasia Burrito (a great name for a Mexican restaurant--if you can read it)
Jazz Mum Triage (a softly singing ER nurse a la "killing me softly with...song")
Kerry Underworld (she's a bit of a torch singer so could be the devil's better half in a duet/if she made a pact/she's so hot)
Ryan SheQuest (not that he wants one but rather he wants to be one)
Simon Scowl (it's more natural, less forced than his smile) or Cowrie (stuck in his shell)
Taylor Higgs Boson (he bounces around like something shot out of a particle accelerator)
SIT-COM STARS, COMEDIANS
Carol Burn At the Stake (that flaming red hair!)
Drew Caries ("what percentage of Americans know that caries is a dental term for cavities?")
Gary ColeSlaw (always comes in those itty bitty portions)
Herman Muenster (cheesey guy, with a wedge-shaped head a la Green Bay football fans)
Jerry's Stein's Filled (he's had it up to here/when you're drunk, anything can seem funny)
James Vader (the killer attorney with ice in his veins and a definite dark side)
Jane KrackHouseKey--(she looks high all the time)
Jerry's Stein's Filled (he's had it up to here/hey, when you're drunk, anything can seem funny) or Kelsey Grammar School/Kelsey GramHair (his characters tend to act like big babies--and have as much hair)
Martin Short Pants (lovable loser, like the Trinidadian calypso singer)
Roseanne Barf (as crude as she can be)
Sarah Silverdome (it doesn't make any sense--like her, or not)
Tina Fey (if she suddenly started babbling, or, isn't that kind of, like, how she talks all the time)
Whoopey GoldBerg (think Titanic filmed as a dark comedy)
SPORTS (Players & Broadcasters)
Albert Pool Halls (he hustles on every play)
Barry US Bonds (popular out on the road singing--"Rte.66"--but only at home when swinging)
Cal RIP Tide (still waters run deep)
Charles Bar-Kays (he'd make a good front man for the vintage funk band); or Charles BarCode--he's a big spender.
John Mammoth (he's about as big as one, and you won't find either on an airplane)
Mark Phillip Sousa (the Australian tennis star in search of an American girlfriend)
Michelle Wee (she's like Alice in Wonderland out there on the golf course lately)
Marco/Morocco Meteorite--shooting star.
O Scare de Latoya (the prizefighter going on a gender-bender: real or photo-shopped?)
PayTon's Mannequins (he's got so many commercial deals he can't do them all himself)
The Stupor Bowl (you've got to be drunk to watch it all 'cus it's usually over at halftime)
Tiger Would (and plenty of you would have, too, if you were in his shoes)
Venus Wilhelmina (she's so into fashion)
"SPORTS"--POKER PLAYERS
All-in CunningHaM or All In Mia Ham
Dale Bunson Burner (precision alchemy)
Howard Letter Opener or Howard--Let Her Open It (he'd stab you in the back)
Jennifer Harmonics(as in the New Age "harmonic convergence", with musical over/undertones)
Mike Mad As Hell (and he's not taking it anymore)
Patrick Polonius--ShakesPearean
Phil Heimlich Maneuver (somebody at the table is choking)
Phil I.V. (a hospital vampire, or the king of France from1285 to 1314 A.D.)
TV DRAMA/REALITY
Carmen Electrode (shock treatment from a beautiful lifeguard)
Carrie Ann Pearl Harbor--tango alpha bravo charlie
Fear Factory (the show's fascination w/remote industrial sites--look out!)
Gordon Ramses (testosterone branding kitchen king)
Gray's Anemone (a lot of tentacles reaching out)
Hayden Planetarium (she's pretty well-rounded)
Heather Millstone (what she was--around Paul's wallet, anyway)
Heidi Plume (wispy)
Kelly Monocle (soaps could use a super-sleuth to tie up some of those persistent loose ends)
Kim CardAssian (a Trekkie with a big following behind her)
Kirstie Dark Alley (you'd hate to run into her there)
Moon BloodGood (the actual name of the time traveler--a vampyress crossed with a she-wolf)
Nickelodeon Sushi (she's like a kid in an upscale candy store)
Pamela Neanderson (the guys she marries tend to be a bit cave-mannish)
Paris Hilltop (guys like to park there with her)
Rich Or Rancid (for the entrepreneurial, money changes everything)
Sarah Jessica Barker (Bow Wow!!)
TV TALK PERSONALITIES:
Al Roquefort (in good taste, and a bit cheesey)
Arsenio Hall Monitor (a scary sight for mischievous kids)
Barbara Walrus (there's something majestic about the way she tilts her head...)
Bryant Gumblow (just perm your hair, don a suit coat & tie, get a big wad of gum and act silly)
Carson Monthly (that's about how often most people watch his show)
Conehead O'Brine Shrimp (their tails mimic his wavy orange hair)
Craig Fergusonofabitch (what Prince Charles calls him)
Craig Stillborn (his show was DOA)
Dan Druthers (if he' had his druthers, we'd be in a rather different place)
David Lettucehead (a scarecrow with a head of lettuce--dude, what were you thinking?)
Diane/Leslie Saw Ya (a la Texas Chainsaw--don't mess with Texas)
Elizabeth Has To Bitch (she just has to--she doesn't know any other way)
Ellen Degenerates (she dances like an ape)
Katie Curate (she's so wholesome) or Curad (bandaged head to foot--reading the news)
Kelly RIP C(h)ord (feels vertigo, thinks "rip cord", reaches over 'n' slashes at Regis' throat)
Martha's Steward(1st her jailkeeper, then parole officer so she can go places like her Vineyard)
Mad Plower (where the heck is he? Oh no, he's coming right at us with a snow plow!)
Oprah Wince Streak (audience reaction if she took her clothes off and ran around the stage)
Rachael Wraith (ghost of meals past--an upset stomach; or the man-eaters of TV Stargate series)
Rosie O'Grady (she belongs in a rowdy Irish pub)
Tiara Banks (she's so exotic) or Tyrannosaurus Banks (fiercely flashing teeth, & all legs)
Walter Conn Smyth (award-winning journalist for giving us the cold, hard facts)
TALK RADIO (NOT POLITICAL)/VARIETY
Garrison Keel Over (sounds like he's been drinking)
George Norway/Noriega ( if the Coast-to-Coast host's voiced stretched North-to-South)
Howard Sternum (where you'd like to punch him)
Ian Pundit (he is what he is)
Linda Molting Owl (intrepid researcher into the moonlit world of the paranormal)
YESTERDAY'S NEWS, BUT COULD RESURFACE
Alien Gonzalez (the child refugee who got sent back--to outer space)
John Marked Card (he deceived everybody about role in JonBenet case)
Natalie Hauled Away (what may have happened to her in Aruba)
*Some celebrities have been active in multiple fields. They are generally listed in the field they've been most prominent in.
Steven (Starjet) Kearney
(in alphabetical order: by category*, and within each by first name)
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
Eva LOgarithim (her Gabby is kinda complicated, or calculating)
Felicity Wolfman (her Lynette has an inner dark side that she just barely keeps repressed)
Macia Crossing Guard (her Bree wears orange while bossing everyone--especially her kids--around)
NicoLet's Share a Den (her Edie had a knack for unconventional living arrangements)
Teri Hatchet (she'd be a great heroine in a campy horror movie)
MOVIE STARS
Adam SandBar (he often seems drunk, or acting that way) or SandLot
Antonio BondAirbus (a role he's well-suited for--it'd fly!)
Ashley TentSale (compared with Van Hugs, she's probably a bargain now)
Camera On De Ass (you could make a movie of just that and guys would watch it)
Demi Monde (if the world were split in half would you be on her side? It's post-apocalyptic)
Drew Barleycorn (back-to-nature, crop cycle theme, also the Grim Reaper)
Dustin Hofstra (once a Graduate, always a Graduate--if you age well, or take Viagra)
Glenn Close Call (what she was in Fatal Attraction--a near miss)
Hillary Swank (I know it's her real name, but she'd probably look good in it)
Jack BlackOut (he's big enough to block out the Sun). or Blackhead (terrifying to teenagers)
Jamie Lee Kurdistan (sounds like a good name for her own yogurt brand--in the works)
Jessica Altar (where any single guy would be happy to take her)
Jon LoveIts Or LeaveIts (or leave it alone)
Kate Beck and Call (likes to play demanding roles) or Glockenspiel (has an appealing sound)
Kevin Bake-Off (he's down-home, yet competitive)
Lindsay Locust (she still acts like a 17-year-old--buzzing around), or LowRent (her movies never make any $)
Marilyn Moonroe (she was quite bewitching--like the pretty ones in Wiz of Oz)
Mel GibbStoned (what he was that wild night and what the media did to him afterwards)
Penultimate Cruise (she was the next-to-last woman Tom dated); or Penelope Cruz Control (wouldn't you like to take her for a ride?)
Pierce BroadBand (James Bond meets the Go Go Girls)
Salma Hijack (a female hijacker) or Lo-Jack (so no one can steal her away)
Seth Rogaine (he could use some)
Susan Saran Wrap (put on some red hair, dark glasses and wear something highly metallic)
Tom Cruiserweight (if he ever played a boxer, it couldn't be as a heavyweight)
Tom Handkerchiefs (his films tend to be sentimental)
Vanessa Huggies (a real babe/such a cute babyface!)
Will Feral (he's a wild & crazy guy)
Alec's Bald Twins (yeah, those two)
Zach F-stop (he's so photogenic)
POLITICS (Politicians and Political Journalists)
Al Goretex (a good fabric for changing climatic conditions)
Alan Green Hands (from counting all that money)
Albatross Gum Salad (the attorney general who wouldn't go away)
Almond In a Jam (more nuts than a fruitcake)
Ann Cold Cuts (sliced super thin) or Cold Turkey (an encounter with her is sobering)
Barack Odometer (so that his wife can keep tabs on him)
Carl Rogue (the master spinner has been known to "vogue")
Caspar Wine Cellar (the friendly ghost Wants You for a tour of his estate--bring a jacket)
CondoLizard RicePudding (she's all over the map--or is she?)
Dennis Has Dirt (he was, or should've been, kept informed of stuff)
Dennis Cooked Spinach (nobody's first choice...OK, maybe 1%)
Dick Ricochet-ney (he can't shoot straight, and isn't especially worried about it)
Donald Rumpelstiltskin (not your basic fairy tale ending)
Eleanor Clifthanger ("the suspense is killing me!"/murder she wrote)
Eliot Spritzer (looks for chicks in hotel lobby bar)
HairyYet Mired (wanabee judge bogged down in own goth-thick eyelashes 'n' gobs o' mascara)
Hilarious ClinTuff (two personality aspects she's trying to showcase)
JennaRation Books (a long war, and a short read)
John McLaugh-In (his show, at times, is slapstick comedy)
Larry Craig's List (where he could take out an ad telling everybody "I'm not gay!")
Mike HuckleBe (Huck Finn's populism) or HugaBee (ouch!)
Nancy Pirogi or Pilati (she's bi-coastal, if not bipartisan)
Ralph Nadir (at voting-time a regular bottom-feeder)
Raw Sparrow (his beak-like nose, and lack of city-slicker polish)
Rudy Vigilante (his prosecutorial experience) or Rudy Can't Fail (a song by the Clash)
Rush Lip Bra (he could use a little factual support--say a D-cup) or Limbo (trying to do it)
Sarah Palindrome/Pale and Droned/Pallid Drone (in a manner of speaking); or Sarah Impalin'/Impale 'em (she's a hunter not a gatherer, with her crossbow)
Tim Russet (his round, reddish-orange face--like a pumpkin-head, or a big apple)
Tom Rain Delay (the equivalent of a filibuster)
Tony SnowJob ("hey, y'all, I'm just doing my job up here...")
Valerie Flame (she could've gotten fired when her cover got blown)
SINGERS
Amy Henhouse (a real hot mess)
Atlantis Morrisette (she usually sounds depressed, forlorn, abandoned like the lost continent)
Barry Man-at-Large (cops have CD evidence of him murdering pop music hits by the decade)
Bed Bath & Beyonce (she's got it all)
Britney Smears (she treats the pap-arazzi like they're gynecologists)
Hillary MacDuff (there must be something Shakesperean about her)
Huey Newton and the Loos or Huey Knew Us in the Loo (a little invasive British humor)
Jessica Dim Sum (let's see if she can figure it out)
Jonah's Brothers (Bible thumpers swallow their pride)
Just in Time for Dinner (he's on the go) or Tamberlaine (if you want to dress like an emperor)
Kevin Fed a Line (he can't memorize 'em) or Snort a Line (he's always just about to blow up)
Lance C. Bass Guitar (has fish-eyes); or Lance Bass Guitar (wishes he played an instrument)
Mariah's Scary (if she went Gothic, complete with fangs, it'd be a great departure)
Mel B.-List (dancing with the "stars")
Mick Jaguar (one fierce cat)
Miley Cyprus (why just be a state when you can be an entire country); or Mile 'o' Mint Cyrus (she's a goldmine); or Miley Sea Wolf (something wet & wild about her); or Miley Virus (popping up all over like a pandemic outbreak)
Natasha PettingZoo (G-rated, or R between-lines)
Nick Latchkey (you kind of want to feel sorry for the kid)
Victoria Bedlam(b) (like the month of March--in/out)
Whitney, Who's Stoned? (a rhetorical question)
"SINGING" "TALENT" SHOW AMERICAN I DULL
Antonella BaR bra (R-rated material getting turned into PG)
Bo Bison (a heavy metal band goes off-road out on the prairie, finds they're running with 'em)
Fantasia Burrito (a great name for a Mexican restaurant--if you can read it)
Jazz Mum Triage (a softly singing ER nurse a la "killing me softly with...song")
Kerry Underworld (she's a bit of a torch singer so could be the devil's better half in a duet/if she made a pact/she's so hot)
Ryan SheQuest (not that he wants one but rather he wants to be one)
Simon Scowl (it's more natural, less forced than his smile) or Cowrie (stuck in his shell)
Taylor Higgs Boson (he bounces around like something shot out of a particle accelerator)
SIT-COM STARS, COMEDIANS
Carol Burn At the Stake (that flaming red hair!)
Drew Caries ("what percentage of Americans know that caries is a dental term for cavities?")
Gary ColeSlaw (always comes in those itty bitty portions)
Herman Muenster (cheesey guy, with a wedge-shaped head a la Green Bay football fans)
Jerry's Stein's Filled (he's had it up to here/when you're drunk, anything can seem funny)
James Vader (the killer attorney with ice in his veins and a definite dark side)
Jane KrackHouseKey--(she looks high all the time)
Jerry's Stein's Filled (he's had it up to here/hey, when you're drunk, anything can seem funny) or Kelsey Grammar School/Kelsey GramHair (his characters tend to act like big babies--and have as much hair)
Martin Short Pants (lovable loser, like the Trinidadian calypso singer)
Roseanne Barf (as crude as she can be)
Sarah Silverdome (it doesn't make any sense--like her, or not)
Tina Fey (if she suddenly started babbling, or, isn't that kind of, like, how she talks all the time)
Whoopey GoldBerg (think Titanic filmed as a dark comedy)
SPORTS (Players & Broadcasters)
Albert Pool Halls (he hustles on every play)
Barry US Bonds (popular out on the road singing--"Rte.66"--but only at home when swinging)
Cal RIP Tide (still waters run deep)
Charles Bar-Kays (he'd make a good front man for the vintage funk band); or Charles BarCode--he's a big spender.
John Mammoth (he's about as big as one, and you won't find either on an airplane)
Mark Phillip Sousa (the Australian tennis star in search of an American girlfriend)
Michelle Wee (she's like Alice in Wonderland out there on the golf course lately)
Marco/Morocco Meteorite--shooting star.
O Scare de Latoya (the prizefighter going on a gender-bender: real or photo-shopped?)
PayTon's Mannequins (he's got so many commercial deals he can't do them all himself)
The Stupor Bowl (you've got to be drunk to watch it all 'cus it's usually over at halftime)
Tiger Would (and plenty of you would have, too, if you were in his shoes)
Venus Wilhelmina (she's so into fashion)
"SPORTS"--POKER PLAYERS
All-in CunningHaM or All In Mia Ham
Dale Bunson Burner (precision alchemy)
Howard Letter Opener or Howard--Let Her Open It (he'd stab you in the back)
Jennifer Harmonics(as in the New Age "harmonic convergence", with musical over/undertones)
Mike Mad As Hell (and he's not taking it anymore)
Patrick Polonius--ShakesPearean
Phil Heimlich Maneuver (somebody at the table is choking)
Phil I.V. (a hospital vampire, or the king of France from1285 to 1314 A.D.)
TV DRAMA/REALITY
Carmen Electrode (shock treatment from a beautiful lifeguard)
Carrie Ann Pearl Harbor--tango alpha bravo charlie
Fear Factory (the show's fascination w/remote industrial sites--look out!)
Gordon Ramses (testosterone branding kitchen king)
Gray's Anemone (a lot of tentacles reaching out)
Hayden Planetarium (she's pretty well-rounded)
Heather Millstone (what she was--around Paul's wallet, anyway)
Heidi Plume (wispy)
Kelly Monocle (soaps could use a super-sleuth to tie up some of those persistent loose ends)
Kim CardAssian (a Trekkie with a big following behind her)
Kirstie Dark Alley (you'd hate to run into her there)
Moon BloodGood (the actual name of the time traveler--a vampyress crossed with a she-wolf)
Nickelodeon Sushi (she's like a kid in an upscale candy store)
Pamela Neanderson (the guys she marries tend to be a bit cave-mannish)
Paris Hilltop (guys like to park there with her)
Rich Or Rancid (for the entrepreneurial, money changes everything)
Sarah Jessica Barker (Bow Wow!!)
TV TALK PERSONALITIES:
Al Roquefort (in good taste, and a bit cheesey)
Arsenio Hall Monitor (a scary sight for mischievous kids)
Barbara Walrus (there's something majestic about the way she tilts her head...)
Bryant Gumblow (just perm your hair, don a suit coat & tie, get a big wad of gum and act silly)
Carson Monthly (that's about how often most people watch his show)
Conehead O'Brine Shrimp (their tails mimic his wavy orange hair)
Craig Fergusonofabitch (what Prince Charles calls him)
Craig Stillborn (his show was DOA)
Dan Druthers (if he' had his druthers, we'd be in a rather different place)
David Lettucehead (a scarecrow with a head of lettuce--dude, what were you thinking?)
Diane/Leslie Saw Ya (a la Texas Chainsaw--don't mess with Texas)
Elizabeth Has To Bitch (she just has to--she doesn't know any other way)
Ellen Degenerates (she dances like an ape)
Katie Curate (she's so wholesome) or Curad (bandaged head to foot--reading the news)
Kelly RIP C(h)ord (feels vertigo, thinks "rip cord", reaches over 'n' slashes at Regis' throat)
Martha's Steward(1st her jailkeeper, then parole officer so she can go places like her Vineyard)
Mad Plower (where the heck is he? Oh no, he's coming right at us with a snow plow!)
Oprah Wince Streak (audience reaction if she took her clothes off and ran around the stage)
Rachael Wraith (ghost of meals past--an upset stomach; or the man-eaters of TV Stargate series)
Rosie O'Grady (she belongs in a rowdy Irish pub)
Tiara Banks (she's so exotic) or Tyrannosaurus Banks (fiercely flashing teeth, & all legs)
Walter Conn Smyth (award-winning journalist for giving us the cold, hard facts)
TALK RADIO (NOT POLITICAL)/VARIETY
Garrison Keel Over (sounds like he's been drinking)
George Norway/Noriega ( if the Coast-to-Coast host's voiced stretched North-to-South)
Howard Sternum (where you'd like to punch him)
Ian Pundit (he is what he is)
Linda Molting Owl (intrepid researcher into the moonlit world of the paranormal)
YESTERDAY'S NEWS, BUT COULD RESURFACE
Alien Gonzalez (the child refugee who got sent back--to outer space)
John Marked Card (he deceived everybody about role in JonBenet case)
Natalie Hauled Away (what may have happened to her in Aruba)
*Some celebrities have been active in multiple fields. They are generally listed in the field they've been most prominent in.
Steven (Starjet) Kearney
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
